I was at home, laying on the sofa with 'G's head in my lap getting ready to watch The Grammy's when my phone rang. It was my sister calling to ask me if I heard the news. She was driving home from a dinner party with her husband when they heard it announced on 1010 WINS news radio. Whitney Houston was dead. My sister and I grew up listening to Whitney, dancing to Whitney, watching her videos and movies. She was like a very talented older sister to me. I'm still in disbelief. She was only 48 years old. Now, they're saying it was a combination of prescription drugs and alcohol that caused her death. Supposedly, she was taking Xanax and drinking heavily. My heart hurts for her family, her daughter, her mother, her friends.
"I decided long ago never to walk in any one's shadow.
If I fail if I succeed at least I've lived as I believe.
No matter what they take from me they can't take away my dignity."

We had to move our couples therapy session from Monday night to Wednesday night due to a conflict the therapist had. I really think these sessions are helping to improve the way we communicate with each other. When 'G' and I talk about the sessions we are honest and open. Always. I can't imagine having a healthy relationship or pretending to have a healthy relationship without this kind of therapy. It's been a long day and I'm still at work, but finishing up. I wanted to just post something about how sad I am about the death of Whitney Houston.

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day and I think 'G' and I are going out to dinner. He's selecting the restaurant. As most of you know I'm not a big fan of V-day. Again, this year I made him promise no gifts just a nice dinner and some quality time together.  That's enough of a gift for me since last year I spent Valentine's day alone trying not to kill myself.  Funny how a year can change everything.

One Word -- NYGiants

I took a day off today.  I took a day off to go down to the 'cannon of heroes' -- lower Broadway in Manhattan to watch the NY Giants' parade.  That's how big a fan I am.  I told 'G' yesterday that I was toying with the idea, but then later on while I was still at work, I decided to do it. I decided to go. I told my boss I would take a personal day and it turns out I wasn't the only one in the office to skip work to see the parade.

So, when I woke up this morning I went out for a quick three mile run, showered, put on my Michael Strahan jersey (good ole number 92), jeans and took the subway downtown.  I got off the subway and followed the massive crowd.  It felt like the entire city came out including every kid. It was the best! It was so cool to see these guys up close (or as close as one can get in a crowded NY street while they rode by on floats).  I saw everyone on the team and I must tell you I'm a little hoarse from yelling all the players names, yes it was like that. It was beyond fun!

After the City Hall speeches where the mayor gave each player the key-to-the-city; I debated going to NJ to see them again at Metlife Stadium, but my stomach starting to talk to me.  Very loud. I was looking around for a place to eat when 'G' called me. I told him I was hungry and he said he could leave work to meet me for lunch.  We met back in my hood at Coffee Shop off Union Square because I was dying for a cheeseburger and I really like the way they make theirs.  I guess seeing all those manly men triggered my meat-eating gene in a big way. And yes, it did trigger something else.

After eating I basically seduced 'G' into coming back to my apartment to 'celebrate' the Giants winning the Superbowl -- again.  I couldn't keep my hands off him and trust me, he didn't mind.  He stayed with me a while then went back to work. I expect him home any minute now. Before he left he told me when he comes back to my place I should only be wearing my football jersey.  If Michael Strahan only knew.

The New York Football Giants

Enough said!

Couples Therapy Sucks!

And by suck I mean very hard. I haven't been posting as much as I want to because 'G' and I have been focusing our time on talking and following these "suggestions" my therapist wants us to do. You know that game where you fall backwards and hope someone is there to catch you. Ya, like that. I mean it's good, but not fun in any way. I can tell you that Monday's session left me raw. The therapist asked 'G' to see if he could find one positive or good thing about what I did with 'The Neighbor'. She wanted to force him to replace the anger with something positive to help strengthen our trust. I think now she might be a quack! Of course, when she said this we both looked at her like she had six heads. Do you know what he said that hurt? He said: "At least it was only one time and I didn't catch them doing it." He paused for a bit, thinking then said: "And at least it wasn't in our bed." WTF?!!!!!

I felt all the filth climb back on me after he said that. I was so hurt I almost cried right there. She then, seeing my face, explained how if he could feel that way -- it's good. After some more talking I felt marginally better, but by the time the session ended all I wanted to do was go home and crawl into bed. So, of course we walk outside and he hailed me a cab. You remember we're supposed to go our separate ways after therapy to "digest" each session.

Well, I got in the cab and he came in right after me. When I asked him if the cab was going to make two stops he said no just one -- to my apartment. At first, I was thinking this is not a good idea, but then I felt I just needed him to hold me. We got to my apartment, I opened up a bottle of wine and we drank it as we sat on the sofa, to talk some more. He didn't apologize for what he said nor did I want him to, but I could tell he knew what he said stung. At times, we would just sit in silence as he rubbed his thumb back and forth across my hand as he held it.

At around, 11:30pm when I thought he was going to go home he asked if he could stay the night. I said: "Of course." We went into the bedroom, made love and fell asleep. Sex can sometimes be the magic cure all. It's weird and comforting at the same time in situations like this. I know he loves me and I love him, so I just have to keep telling myself that we will get through this together. Tomorrow after work we're going out drinking with some friends including my friend 'S'. Friday we have dinner plans. Saturday is a going away party for one of my friends and Sunday we have a Superbowl party to go to. One day at a time.


Oh, and Happy Black History Month.

Wednesday - Good Day

Dinner with 'G' was good yesterday. We did talk about our session and he thinks he will benefit from having "a neutral party" help us be better -- us. We meet at 6:30 at Tipsy Parson in Chelsea. I got there early to have a drink at the table while waiting for him. I wore my black skinny jeans, black boots and a white button-down blouse that felt was too tight, but I was already running late for work and couldn't turn back to change it. I was finished my dirty martini when he talked up to the table to kiss me hello. I had on his midnight blue suit, no tie, with a light blue shirt. He looked as handsome as ever. He put his BB on the table and apologized because he was waitig for a call he couldn't miss. He ordered a Scotch and I switched to a pinot noir. We talked about work, a mutual friend and he asked what I wanted to do this week-end. I told him I was going up to see my sister who is due May. He said he could drive me to the station,but couldn't come with me. That was fine because it was just going to be a day trip. He seemed tense until his phone call that came at the same time as our dessert. He went outside to take the call. When he came back he was smiling and in a much better mood.


"This deal I've been waiting to hear about went well. Good news." he said.

"Cool." I said then thought to myself, does this mean I'll get laid tonight because I really want to. After we left the restaurant I asked him if he wanted to come over and before I could finish the sentence he said "Yes" with this huge smile on his face.

My dirty martini and two pinot niors was making me feel nice and warm. We kissed the minute we got inside my front door. He pushed me away because he had to use the bathroom, so I took this as my opportunity to get naked as quickly as possible and get in bed. He walked in the bedroom, jacket in hand. He tossed it on my dresser then took off all his clothes. We kissed and his warm soft lips felt so good against mine. He kissed my neck, collar bone and chest while grabbing my breasts. He looked down on me moving his eyes from mine to my stomach. "Look at you." was all he said before he pushed himself inside me. I instantly moaned. Those three words was all the foreplay I needed. We made love twice before falling asleep. Tonight I'm meeting friends for drinks, he's joining me later, much later. I'm still so in love with this man that all I can think about is a future with him in it.

Working To Make Things Better

Ask anyone in a good relationship and they'll tell you that maintaining one is work. Hard work. Not the hard work that you dread, or sucks the life out of you, but the work you want to do because you know it will...work. I think relationships fail because one person decides the "work" isn't worth it anymore, or it's too much "work", or they would rather "work" on something else with someone else, or finally, they are tried of doing all the "work". 'G' and I are in the process of making our relationship work.

We had our first "couple's therapy" session yesterday -- big inhale. The first fifteen minutes was awkward; filled with silence, stares and slow carefully choosen answers. She did most of the talking to make sure we understood the "ground rules" that would help assure these sessions are as productive as possible. 'G' made the first move talking about how he feels things are going. He also made it clear he was uncomfortable "talking to a stranger about our personal life." Never easy, but he stayed with it. The first session was OK. Just OK.

Afterwards, I had to go for a run or else I wouldn't have been able to sleep. We decided before doing this that after each Monday session we would give each other space and go home to our respective apartments. Wise thinking yes, but God knows after my five mile run last night there was nothing I wanted to do more than to just lay in his arms. We IM's each other a few times today and I'm sure he's probably still at work. Tomorrow night we are having dinner and I hope after dinner he comes over.

Is it me or does it seem like everyone in Hollywood is breaking up? What's in the water out there? I'm still trying to decide which half marathon and full marathon to run this year. I'm so hooked. I run at least four days a week. It clears my head so I feel less like killing people at work, it's good for my heart, it's giving me this amazing body, and I have more energy overall. I heart running. It is helping me so much.

A Night In

'G' and I have been crazy busy with work.  I've been so busy I don't have time at work to eat, or pee, much less blog.  Tonight different story. I left work at 6:00pm went to Trader Joe's to get groceries and a case of wine and hopefully by 9:00pm 'G' will be ringing my bell, literally and figuratively.  We are expecting a snow storm to hit good ol' NYC tomorrow hence the provisions. I wish I had a fireplace.  Well, I'm making a braised short ribs for tomorrow, but I'm starting them tonight.  When I serve it to him tomorrow I will only be wearing an apron. 'G' is going to loose his mind. 

Stay warm people.

The 'T' Word

Work is still kicking my butt, so nothing new to report there.  Here's some news, starting in two weeks 'G' will be joining me during my therapy sessions.

My therapist wants this to happen.  I do too I just have this fear.  The last time we went to therapy together was right after everything -- while we were still trying to patch our relationship together and he couldn't do it.  He attend two sessions then said 'no more.' When my therapist heard we were back together we talked about getting 'G' to come with me.  I finally told him on Monday over the phone after my session and he said he would "think about it". Hearing him say that turned my stomach inside out.  We talked a lot about moving forward and building our relationship, but a big part of me thinks doing this, seeing my therapist together, can only help.

We're at a good place now, but I want it all out so we can be better.  No more secrets. No more hiding. No more pretending. I realize that in doing this things might change maybe not for the better and at times I say to myself: "look forward, move forward."  To me, in order to do that, to really, really, forge ahead doing this -- is the way. I'm so scared. Therapy in general can be a little scary, couples therapy huge fear, like monsters-under-the-bed-paranormal activity fear.  Pray for me.  For us.

Go GIANTS!

Let's start with the fact that I've been working my butt off since coming back from the holiday break. Last week Tuesday I was at work until 2:00am being a part of a team preparing for a client presentation. 2:00am. 'G's been busy as well travelling last Tuesday through Thursday to Texas. I can tell you he came over Friday night and spent the week-end with me which was such a welcomed release. Saturday it was so warm out we went for a run in CP and wore shorts and a t-shirts. Saturday Night, we saw 'The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.' Loved it. That Rooney Mara gave all that she had in that movie, she was phenomenal. After the movie we made love on the sofa while the football game was on. TV makes for great lighting.

Sunday, I got the times mixed up for Mass and somehow ended up at the 10:00 Family Mass. Here's what happened. During the holidays they moved some of the Mass times around to accommodate the fact that Christmas and New Year's was on a Sunday so for the past three week-ends I was going to the "moved" Sunday Mass at 9:30. Are you still with me? So, yesterday we go up, 'G' and I got dressed and when we walked into the church at 9:35, it was empty. I grabbed a bulletin and saw they switched back to the regular schedule and the next scheduled Mass was the 10:00 Family Mass. I looked at 'G' and he said: "We might as well stay since we're here."

We found seats and watched the church slowly fill-up and man alive did it ever. The place was packed with kids of all shapes, and sizes from infants to teenagers. Packed. The format of the Mass was the same but they included the kids in things like coming up to the alter just before the Eucharist is served. The kids would run around during the 'Peace be with you.'. There were kids everywhere and I loved it. I couldn't help but imagine one day being a part of this, being a regular at this Mass with 'G' and our kids. Crazy? Maybe, maybe not. I wanted to throw out my birth control pills.

Afterwards, we went to have brunch then back home where we were both all over each other for the rest of the day. It was as if being a part of that scene, that Mass made us horny. Again, crazy! Congrats to the Giants and the Broncos on their victories. Go Big Blue!

No Problem Mon!

Jamaica. That's where we spent our holiday vacation and it couldn't have been any better. So, one of 'G''s business partners owns a house in Jamaica in a private gated community right off the beach and about 5 miles from Negril. He originally offered it to 'G' last Christmas as a way for 'G' to "get a change of scenery", after everything that happened, but 'G' never took him up on it until now. We had a five bedroom house steps away from a private beach all to ourselves. The house came with a cook and a maid. I felt like a celebrity. We spent most of the day on the beach, playing volleyball, running, jet skiing, laying around or going into Negril using the motor scooters available. We did do the tourist Dunn's River falls as well as visit some Bro Bob shops. The nights we spent eating the most delicious food prepared by the cook, making love and sipping wine while sitting on the beach watching the sunset. It was like a dream. I have to download some of the pics I took. I didn't take a lot -- I was "busy".

We did have one "fight" when I wanted to stay in the house to continue to relax while he wanted to go into town. We compromised. We stayed in most of the day and went out later that night, but the great thing is I noticed he was more willing to hear my point of view than before and I was more willing to express how I really, really felt instead of instantly saying 'yes' to everything he wants. It was good. It was a good vacation.
My favorite part was at night as we sat on the beach watching the sunset talking very little just absorbing life, the scene and each other.

Sitting here back at work made that all seem like a dream. I didn't think it was possible but I love 'G' now more than ever. I can't wait to see what 2012 brings me...us. I haven't made a list of New Year's Resolutions this year because I'm letting things just happen. I have a mental picture of what I would like to happen this year, but I'm not going to "make this list and check off each thing and work towards making this happen." That's too stressful. After all I've been through in 2011, rest assured that 2012 will be the year I dial it down a notch.

Happy New Year everyone!

Merry Christmas!

Christmas morning 2011.  I wish you all a joyous, blessed Holiday season with more of only the good things for 2012

Birthday Present

Yesterday was ‘G’s birthday and even though we went to the concert last Wednesday night and even though he said not to get him anything I did get him something, a tie. A Gucci tie. We started the day yesterday by going to church then brunch. When we came back to my apartment I presented him with his gift. How I did it is the real story.

Once we walked into the apartment, he removed his coat, washed his hands, got a beer out of the fridge, turned on the TV and started watching football. I went into the bedroom. When I came out of the bedroom the only thing I was wearing was the tie. I cleared my throat to get his attention. He turned around and his jaw dropped. I told him the tie was his birthday present. He asked if the tie was the only present. I just smiled. He walked toward me and stood in front of me before we started to kiss. We stopped only long enough to walk back into the bedroom. I was on my back when he took the tie from around my neck, lifted my head with his hand before he undid the tie and placed it over my eyes using it to blindfold me. I instantly felt a rush. I could hear him quickly undress as well as the football game playing on the TV in the living room. The next thing I felt was his lips on mine then move down my body. I give into him completely. We spent the rest of the day in bed, naked, making love, watching football, with me trying to figure out where he’s taking me on vacation. The only hint he gave me was it’s an island with an ‘a’ in the name. Great…

I went to the gym after work today and I can honestly say I like running outside in the cold better than running indoors on a treadmill. There I said it. ‘G’ is staying here with me this week until we go up to Westchester for Christmas with my parents then leave for (fill-in-the-blank). He’s still at work, but on his way…here…home?

Birthday Surprise

Last night I surprised 'G' with an early birthday present. While in the shower one morning last week and listening to my favorite radio station WFUV the public radio out of Fordham University (my alma mater); I heard that My Morning Jacket was in concert at MSG with Band of Horses as the opening act. 'G' likes My Morning Jacket and I like Band of Horses -- perfect! Tickets were still available so I purchased two. The day of the concert -- I told him to try not to work late because I had a surprise for him. Then I told him to meet me outside Macy's Herald Square (which was packed beyond belief with people). I think he thought we were going shopping for his birthday gift, but we walked to The Garden instead and up to the ticket window where I had to pick-up the tickets. Again, I think he thought we were going to a hockey game.

Finally I handed him his ticket. He was shocked and surprised and thrilled to the point of picking me up and swirling me around right outside the ticket window. I pulled it off and I was so happy! Needless to say the concert was a-maz-ing! After the concert he wanted to go back to my place, but I shot him down because:

A) I had my period and B) I had a very early (like 8:00am early) meeting today. He's coming over tomorrow to spend the week-end and I have a couple more birthday surprises for him. None as big as last night, but I'm sure all of which he'll love. We leave next Monday.