The Dating Fish Bowl

2012-02-13T18:43:00.000-05:00

I was at home, laying on the sofa with 'G's head in my lap getting ready to watch The Grammy's when my phone rang. It was my sister calling to ask me if I heard the news. She was driving home from a dinner party with her husband when they heard it announced on 1010 WINS news radio. Whitney Houston was dead. My sister and I grew up listening to Whitney, dancing to Whitney, watching her videos and movies. She was like a very talented older sister to me. I'm still in disbelief. She was only 48 years old. Now, they're saying it was a combination of prescription drugs and alcohol that caused her death. Supposedly, she was taking Xanax and drinking heavily. My heart hurts for her family, her daughter, her mother, her friends.
"I decided long ago never to walk in any one's shadow.
If I fail if I succeed at least I've lived as I believe.
No matter what they take from me they can't take away my dignity."

We had to move our couples therapy session from Monday night to Wednesday night due to a conflict the therapist had. I really think these sessions are helping to improve the way we communicate with each other. When 'G' and I talk about the sessions we are honest and open. Always. I can't imagine having a healthy relationship or pretending to have a healthy relationship without this kind of therapy. It's been a long day and I'm still at work, but finishing up. I wanted to just post something about how sad I am about the death of Whitney Houston.

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day and I think 'G' and I are going out to dinner. He's selecting the restaurant. As most of you know I'm not a big fan of V-day. Again, this year I made him promise no gifts just a nice dinner and some quality time together. That's enough of a gift for me since last year I spent Valentine's day alone trying not to kill myself. Funny how a year can change everything.

One Word -- NYGiants

2012-02-07T20:25:00.001-05:00

I took a day off today. I took a day off to go down to the 'cannon of heroes' -- lower Broadway in Manhattan to watch the NY Giants' parade. That's how big a fan I am. I told 'G' yesterday that I was toying with the idea, but then later on while I was still at work, I decided to do it. I decided to go. I told my boss I would take a personal day and it turns out I wasn't the only one in the office to skip work to see the parade.

So, when I woke up this morning I went out for a quick three mile run, showered, put on my Michael Strahan jersey (good ole number 92), jeans and took the subway downtown. I got off the subway and followed the massive crowd. It felt like the entire city came out including every kid. It was the best! It was so cool to see these guys up close (or as close as one can get in a crowded NY street while they rode by on floats). I saw everyone on the team and I must tell you I'm a little hoarse from yelling all the players names, yes it was like that. It was beyond fun!

After the City Hall speeches where the mayor gave each player the key-to-the-city; I debated going to NJ to see them again at Metlife Stadium, but my stomach starting to talk to me. Very loud. I was looking around for a place to eat when 'G' called me. I told him I was hungry and he said he could leave work to meet me for lunch. We met back in my hood at Coffee Shop off Union Square because I was dying for a cheeseburger and I really like the way they make theirs. I guess seeing all those manly men triggered my meat-eating gene in a big way. And yes, it did trigger something else.

After eating I basically seduced 'G' into coming back to my apartment to 'celebrate' the Giants winning the Superbowl -- again. I couldn't keep my hands off him and trust me, he didn't mind. He stayed with me a while then went back to work. I expect him home any minute now. Before he left he told me when he comes back to my place I should only be wearing my football jersey. If Michael Strahan only knew.

The New York Football Giants

2012-02-06T14:57:00.000-05:00

Enough said!

Couples Therapy Sucks!

2012-02-01T23:14:00.000-05:00

And by suck I mean very hard. I haven't been posting as much as I want to because 'G' and I have been focusing our time on talking and following these "suggestions" my therapist wants us to do. You know that game where you fall backwards and hope someone is there to catch you. Ya, like that. I mean it's good, but not fun in any way. I can tell you that Monday's session left me raw. The therapist asked 'G' to see if he could find one positive or good thing about what I did with 'The Neighbor'. She wanted to force him to replace the anger with something positive to help strengthen our trust. I think now she might be a quack! Of course, when she said this we both looked at her like she had six heads. Do you know what he said that hurt? He said: "At least it was only one time and I didn't catch them doing it." He paused for a bit, thinking then said: "And at least it wasn't in our bed." WTF?!!!!!

I felt all the filth climb back on me after he said that. I was so hurt I almost cried right there. She then, seeing my face, explained how if he could feel that way -- it's good. After some more talking I felt marginally better, but by the time the session ended all I wanted to do was go home and crawl into bed. So, of course we walk outside and he hailed me a cab. You remember we're supposed to go our separate ways after therapy to "digest" each session.

Well, I got in the cab and he came in right after me. When I asked him if the cab was going to make two stops he said no just one -- to my apartment. At first, I was thinking this is not a good idea, but then I felt I just needed him to hold me. We got to my apartment, I opened up a bottle of wine and we drank it as we sat on the sofa, to talk some more. He didn't apologize for what he said nor did I want him to, but I could tell he knew what he said stung. At times, we would just sit in silence as he rubbed his thumb back and forth across my hand as he held it.

At around, 11:30pm when I thought he was going to go home he asked if he could stay the night. I said: "Of course." We went into the bedroom, made love and fell asleep. Sex can sometimes be the magic cure all. It's weird and comforting at the same time in situations like this. I know he loves me and I love him, so I just have to keep telling myself that we will get through this together. Tomorrow after work we're going out drinking with some friends including my friend 'S'. Friday we have dinner plans. Saturday is a going away party for one of my friends and Sunday we have a Superbowl party to go to. One day at a time.

Oh, and Happy Black History Month.

Wednesday - Good Day

2012-01-26T15:06:00.000-05:00

Dinner with 'G' was good yesterday. We did talk about our session and he thinks he will benefit from having "a neutral party" help us be better -- us. We meet at 6:30 at Tipsy Parson in Chelsea. I got there early to have a drink at the table while waiting for him. I wore my black skinny jeans, black boots and a white button-down blouse that felt was too tight, but I was already running late for work and couldn't turn back to change it. I was finished my dirty martini when he talked up to the table to kiss me hello. I had on his midnight blue suit, no tie, with a light blue shirt. He looked as handsome as ever. He put his BB on the table and apologized because he was waitig for a call he couldn't miss. He ordered a Scotch and I switched to a pinot noir. We talked about work, a mutual friend and he asked what I wanted to do this week-end. I told him I was going up to see my sister who is due May. He said he could drive me to the station,but couldn't come with me. That was fine because it was just going to be a day trip. He seemed tense until his phone call that came at the same time as our dessert. He went outside to take the call. When he came back he was smiling and in a much better mood.

"This deal I've been waiting to hear about went well. Good news." he said.

"Cool." I said then thought to myself, does this mean I'll get laid tonight because I really want to. After we left the restaurant I asked him if he wanted to come over and before I could finish the sentence he said "Yes" with this huge smile on his face.

My dirty martini and two pinot niors was making me feel nice and warm. We kissed the minute we got inside my front door. He pushed me away because he had to use the bathroom, so I took this as my opportunity to get naked as quickly as possible and get in bed. He walked in the bedroom, jacket in hand. He tossed it on my dresser then took off all his clothes. We kissed and his warm soft lips felt so good against mine. He kissed my neck, collar bone and chest while grabbing my breasts. He looked down on me moving his eyes from mine to my stomach. "Look at you." was all he said before he pushed himself inside me. I instantly moaned. Those three words was all the foreplay I needed. We made love twice before falling asleep. Tonight I'm meeting friends for drinks, he's joining me later, much later. I'm still so in love with this man that all I can think about is a future with him in it.

Working To Make Things Better

2012-01-24T23:58:00.000-05:00

Ask anyone in a good relationship and they'll tell you that maintaining one is work. Hard work. Not the hard work that you dread, or sucks the life out of you, but the work you want to do because you know it will...work. I think relationships fail because one person decides the "work" isn't worth it anymore, or it's too much "work", or they would rather "work" on something else with someone else, or finally, they are tried of doing all the "work". 'G' and I are in the process of making our relationship work.

We had our first "couple's therapy" session yesterday -- big inhale. The first fifteen minutes was awkward; filled with silence, stares and slow carefully choosen answers. She did most of the talking to make sure we understood the "ground rules" that would help assure these sessions are as productive as possible. 'G' made the first move talking about how he feels things are going. He also made it clear he was uncomfortable "talking to a stranger about our personal life." Never easy, but he stayed with it. The first session was OK. Just OK.

Afterwards, I had to go for a run or else I wouldn't have been able to sleep. We decided before doing this that after each Monday session we would give each other space and go home to our respective apartments. Wise thinking yes, but God knows after my five mile run last night there was nothing I wanted to do more than to just lay in his arms. We IM's each other a few times today and I'm sure he's probably still at work. Tomorrow night we are having dinner and I hope after dinner he comes over.

Is it me or does it seem like everyone in Hollywood is breaking up? What's in the water out there? I'm still trying to decide which half marathon and full marathon to run this year. I'm so hooked. I run at least four days a week. It clears my head so I feel less like killing people at work, it's good for my heart, it's giving me this amazing body, and I have more energy overall. I heart running. It is helping me so much.

A Night In

2012-01-20T19:34:00.000-05:00

'G' and I have been crazy busy with work. I've been so busy I don't have time at work to eat, or pee, much less blog. Tonight different story. I left work at 6:00pm went to Trader Joe's to get groceries and a case of wine and hopefully by 9:00pm 'G' will be ringing my bell, literally and figuratively. We are expecting a snow storm to hit good ol' NYC tomorrow hence the provisions. I wish I had a fireplace. Well, I'm making a braised short ribs for tomorrow, but I'm starting them tonight. When I serve it to him tomorrow I will only be wearing an apron. 'G' is going to loose his mind.

Stay warm people.

The 'T' Word

2012-01-12T23:42:00.000-05:00

Work is still kicking my butt, so nothing new to report there. Here's some news, starting in two weeks 'G' will be joining me during my therapy sessions.

My therapist wants this to happen. I do too I just have this fear. The last time we went to therapy together was right after everything -- while we were still trying to patch our relationship together and he couldn't do it. He attend two sessions then said 'no more.' When my therapist heard we were back together we talked about getting 'G' to come with me. I finally told him on Monday over the phone after my session and he said he would "think about it". Hearing him say that turned my stomach inside out. We talked a lot about moving forward and building our relationship, but a big part of me thinks doing this, seeing my therapist together, can only help.

We're at a good place now, but I want it all out so we can be better. No more secrets. No more hiding. No more pretending. I realize that in doing this things might change maybe not for the better and at times I say to myself: "look forward, move forward." To me, in order to do that, to really, really, forge ahead doing this -- is the way. I'm so scared. Therapy in general can be a little scary, couples therapy huge fear, like monsters-under-the-bed-paranormal activity fear. Pray for me. For us.

Go GIANTS!

2012-01-09T12:27:00.001-05:00

Let's start with the fact that I've been working my butt off since coming back from the holiday break. Last week Tuesday I was at work until 2:00am being a part of a team preparing for a client presentation. 2:00am. 'G's been busy as well travelling last Tuesday through Thursday to Texas. I can tell you he came over Friday night and spent the week-end with me which was such a welcomed release. Saturday it was so warm out we went for a run in CP and wore shorts and a t-shirts. Saturday Night, we saw 'The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.' Loved it. That Rooney Mara gave all that she had in that movie, she was phenomenal. After the movie we made love on the sofa while the football game was on. TV makes for great lighting.

Sunday, I got the times mixed up for Mass and somehow ended up at the 10:00 Family Mass. Here's what happened. During the holidays they moved some of the Mass times around to accommodate the fact that Christmas and New Year's was on a Sunday so for the past three week-ends I was going to the "moved" Sunday Mass at 9:30. Are you still with me? So, yesterday we go up, 'G' and I got dressed and when we walked into the church at 9:35, it was empty. I grabbed a bulletin and saw they switched back to the regular schedule and the next scheduled Mass was the 10:00 Family Mass. I looked at 'G' and he said: "We might as well stay since we're here."

We found seats and watched the church slowly fill-up and man alive did it ever. The place was packed with kids of all shapes, and sizes from infants to teenagers. Packed. The format of the Mass was the same but they included the kids in things like coming up to the alter just before the Eucharist is served. The kids would run around during the 'Peace be with you.'. There were kids everywhere and I loved it. I couldn't help but imagine one day being a part of this, being a regular at this Mass with 'G' and our kids. Crazy? Maybe, maybe not. I wanted to throw out my birth control pills.

Afterwards, we went to have brunch then back home where we were both all over each other for the rest of the day. It was as if being a part of that scene, that Mass made us horny. Again, crazy! Congrats to the Giants and the Broncos on their victories. Go Big Blue!

No Problem Mon!

2012-01-03T11:01:00.000-05:00

Jamaica. That's where we spent our holiday vacation and it couldn't have been any better. So, one of 'G''s business partners owns a house in Jamaica in a private gated community right off the beach and about 5 miles from Negril. He originally offered it to 'G' last Christmas as a way for 'G' to "get a change of scenery", after everything that happened, but 'G' never took him up on it until now. We had a five bedroom house steps away from a private beach all to ourselves. The house came with a cook and a maid. I felt like a celebrity. We spent most of the day on the beach, playing volleyball, running, jet skiing, laying around or going into Negril using the motor scooters available. We did do the tourist Dunn's River falls as well as visit some Bro Bob shops. The nights we spent eating the most delicious food prepared by the cook, making love and sipping wine while sitting on the beach watching the sunset. It was like a dream. I have to download some of the pics I took. I didn't take a lot -- I was "busy".

We did have one "fight" when I wanted to stay in the house to continue to relax while he wanted to go into town. We compromised. We stayed in most of the day and went out later that night, but the great thing is I noticed he was more willing to hear my point of view than before and I was more willing to express how I really, really felt instead of instantly saying 'yes' to everything he wants. It was good. It was a good vacation.
My favorite part was at night as we sat on the beach watching the sunset talking very little just absorbing life, the scene and each other.

Sitting here back at work made that all seem like a dream. I didn't think it was possible but I love 'G' now more than ever. I can't wait to see what 2012 brings me...us. I haven't made a list of New Year's Resolutions this year because I'm letting things just happen. I have a mental picture of what I would like to happen this year, but I'm not going to "make this list and check off each thing and work towards making this happen." That's too stressful. After all I've been through in 2011, rest assured that 2012 will be the year I dial it down a notch.

Happy New Year everyone!

Merry Christmas!

2011-12-25T08:36:00.000-05:00

Christmas morning 2011. I wish you all a joyous, blessed Holiday season with more of only the good things for 2012

Birthday Present

2011-12-19T22:33:00.001-05:00

Yesterday was ‘G’s birthday and even though we went to the concert last Wednesday night and even though he said not to get him anything I did get him something, a tie. A Gucci tie. We started the day yesterday by going to church then brunch. When we came back to my apartment I presented him with his gift. How I did it is the real story.

Once we walked into the apartment, he removed his coat, washed his hands, got a beer out of the fridge, turned on the TV and started watching football. I went into the bedroom. When I came out of the bedroom the only thing I was wearing was the tie. I cleared my throat to get his attention. He turned around and his jaw dropped. I told him the tie was his birthday present. He asked if the tie was the only present. I just smiled. He walked toward me and stood in front of me before we started to kiss. We stopped only long enough to walk back into the bedroom. I was on my back when he took the tie from around my neck, lifted my head with his hand before he undid the tie and placed it over my eyes using it to blindfold me. I instantly felt a rush. I could hear him quickly undress as well as the football game playing on the TV in the living room. The next thing I felt was his lips on mine then move down my body. I give into him completely. We spent the rest of the day in bed, naked, making love, watching football, with me trying to figure out where he’s taking me on vacation. The only hint he gave me was it’s an island with an ‘a’ in the name. Great…

I went to the gym after work today and I can honestly say I like running outside in the cold better than running indoors on a treadmill. There I said it. ‘G’ is staying here with me this week until we go up to Westchester for Christmas with my parents then leave for (fill-in-the-blank). He’s still at work, but on his way…here…home?

Birthday Surprise

2011-12-15T19:26:00.000-05:00

Last night I surprised 'G' with an early birthday present. While in the shower one morning last week and listening to my favorite radio station WFUV the public radio out of Fordham University (my alma mater); I heard that My Morning Jacket was in concert at MSG with Band of Horses as the opening act. 'G' likes My Morning Jacket and I like Band of Horses -- perfect! Tickets were still available so I purchased two. The day of the concert -- I told him to try not to work late because I had a surprise for him. Then I told him to meet me outside Macy's Herald Square (which was packed beyond belief with people). I think he thought we were going shopping for his birthday gift, but we walked to The Garden instead and up to the ticket window where I had to pick-up the tickets. Again, I think he thought we were going to a hockey game.

Finally I handed him his ticket. He was shocked and surprised and thrilled to the point of picking me up and swirling me around right outside the ticket window. I pulled it off and I was so happy! Needless to say the concert was a-maz-ing! After the concert he wanted to go back to my place, but I shot him down because:

A) I had my period and B) I had a very early (like 8:00am early) meeting today. He's coming over tomorrow to spend the week-end and I have a couple more birthday surprises for him. None as big as last night, but I'm sure all of which he'll love. We leave next Monday.

Holiday Weight

2011-12-12T13:51:00.000-05:00

OK the holiday parties are almost over, but the delivery of food baskets is not. Saturday I joined New York Sports Club so I don't gain the usual five to fifteen pounds during the holidays. It's getting a little too cold to run outside. 'G's birthday is this Sunday and being a normal person I want to get him something, but he insist I not get him a gift. He said: "You're my birthday and Christmas present. The new you." He also booked a vacation for us. He won't tell me where yet,but he did say it's a place where all I will need is a bikini! We leave 12/26 and come back 1/2. Can't wait!

All I Want For Christmas

2011-12-07T14:06:00.001-05:00

To stay healthy enough to run another marathon in 2012 – I’m hooked
World peace
A digital camera
A free year’s supply of wine
An end to world poverty
A fre trip to London, Paris and Berlin
Cure of cancer
For ‘G’ and I to continue to strengthen and growth our relationship through continued love and trust
To never see or hear from The Kardashians again
For the New York Yankees to win the World Series
An end to sexual abuse everywhere
To be able to go out and enjoy my city more in 2012
For my sister to give birth to a healthy baby
That the Food Pantries supplying food to the many in need never run out of food
To find the perfect nail polish
An end to the economic downturn
A puppy
Tickets to Coachella
To continue to be surrounded by love

Never Easy

2011-12-05T16:18:00.001-05:00

I had an eventful week-end that started with back-to-back holiday parties and ended with 'G' wanting me to move in with him. Thursday night's party was very fun. I was able to catch up with some old friends while eating and drinking for free -- not bad right? Friday was my office holiday party, so at 5:30 I changed into my new dress from Anthro, put on my Manolos and hopped in a cab with co-workers to the Meat Packing District. The first twenty minutes of our venue was filled with only co-workers as everyone waited for their "significant other" to arrive. 'G' walked in a little after seven wearing gray slacks, white shirt, black tie and black v-neck pullover sweater. He has a slight tan from being in the Far East where it was hot and humid and he was able to sneak-out one day and lay out by the hotel pool. Lucky. He looked so handsome.

We hung out mostly with a co worker and her boyfriend, but we did manage to mingle enough in the room to garnish some (again) stares and whispers. I don't care. The way I see it: people will form an opinion no matter what I do, so I'll just "do-me" (take care of me/us) as my sister says. Afterwards, a few of us went to another place after the party ended to go dancing. It's been a long time since we went dancing. All-in-all, we had a blast.

Saturday morning, believe it or not I went for a five mile run while 'G' went back to his place to get a change of clothes. I got back from my run and found an envelope stuck under my apartment door. It was my lease renewal. I left it on the entry table, took a shower, started making breakfast and forgot all about it. When 'G' came back to my place he saw it and that's when the "discussion" started. It started out simple enough; after he saw my lease renewal form on the table He asked me if I was planning on renewing my lease. I said yes. He then gave me this look that made me realize where he was going with this. He walked over to me, stroked my arm then offered to have me move back in with him. It was tempting.

We are spending almost every waking moment together and it would save me sooooo much money and I miss living with him, but when I dig deep inside me I know I'm not ready. I want to keep my apartment simply because it's mine. Maybe in six months I'll end up kicking myself, but for now I want to renew my lease and stay where I am. He understood and we both know in the long run this is the best way we can continue to re-establish our relationship -- by living apart -- for now. Not exactly the easiest decision, but then again nothing is ever easy is it?

Ouch!

2011-12-02T13:16:00.001-05:00

My head hurts. Too much wine. Too much fun. Too much everything and I have to do it again tonight. Thank God ‘G’ is coming with me so at least I have someone I can lean on – physically.

Really Dude?

2011-11-29T17:35:00.001-05:00

I’m really not that busy here at work this week (thank God), so I decided to get a manicure during lunch. I go to this place less than two blocks from the office and when I walked in I saw something disturbing – a man getting his nails done!

Really dude. You can’t just clip your nails yourself? “This space” is our domain. It’s where we come to be away from all things testerone. Am I alone on this? Is it me? At least he didn’t get clear polish cause if he did I would have lost it. The other thing that was weird: a woman walked in looking and speaking a little frazzled. She said she needed a manicure, but didn’t have a lot of time so she’s just get “clear polish”. Now last I checked it took the same amount of time to dry clear polish as it does say the color ‘Wicked’ by Essie. ‘Wicked’ is the color I selected BTW.

Ready or not the holidays are upon us, so that means Holiday Parties!!!! I have a vendor party this Thursday night and our office holiday party on Friday night. Of course, I purchased a new dress from Anthropologie and ‘G’ will be accompanying me. Get ready for the stares and whispers. His office party is next Thursday. That one will be chockfull of stares and whispers.

http://www.anthropologie.com/anthro/catalog/productdetail.jsp?id=23630890&catId=CLOTHES-DRESSES&pushId=CLOTHES-DRESSES&popId=CLOTHES&navCount=6&color=001&isProduct=true&fromCategoryPage=true&isSubcategory=true&subCategoryId=CLOTHES-DRESSES&templateType=subCategory

Back of dress

Front of dress

Being Thankful

2011-11-28T17:16:00.001-05:00

Last year this time I thought 'G' and I were in a good place, but deep, deep down I knew we still had a long way to go. Little did I know the 'long way' was the way out the door out of my life. The irony is even though he wasn't with me this year at the dinner table we are probably more together in every way. I'm so thankful for every moment and everything, everything that happened over the past eleven months. The moving out. The night alone in my apartment with nothing but a bottle of tequila by my side, the hours of therapy, the decorating my new place, C from Wisconsin, Raj, DJ, the support of 'S', M&K, my Mom and Dad. M. Friends, Co-workers. Getting selected to run in the ING NY City Marathon, the sacrifice, the training, the incredible feeling of knowing I finished better than expected, seeing 'G' at the finish, having him in my life again. Yes, I am thankful for it all.

'G' came to my apartment straight from the airport on Friday. I saw him get out of the cab as I looked out my front window. He came in looking a little tired but still handsome. Apparently his trip was OK, not the success he was hoping for. He went to the bathroom to freshen up and take some aspirins since he had a headache. When he came out the bathroom I was standing by the kitchen sink sipping the cup of green tea I made earlier. He walked up to me and started kissing me. It felt so good to have his tongue moving with mine, his hands on my back, hips, breasts, his chest pressed against mine. He took me by the hand as we walked in the bedroom. As we stood beside my bed, we kissed slowly as he removed my white t-shirt and bra. He kissed my breasts then removed his blue striped shirt. Before I knew it we were naked on the bed and he was moving lower down my body finally landing his head between my legs. I melted. He then hovered over me still slowly kissing me before finally pushing himself inside me. I wanted him so badly.

Somehow when we make love now it's more intense. Deeper, at least to me as if nothing else matters, it's just us sharing our bodies, and life and love with each other. Saturday morning I got out of bed and went on a quick three mile run. When I got back he was still asleep. After my shower I went over to him in the bed and kissed him awake telling him I'm going to make breakfast. He ate then went to watch college football on TV but ended up falling asleep. I did my errands -- pick-up dry cleaning, get some groceries, pick-up Rx from Duane Reade. Around 5:00 he woke up and we were both hungry so I made cheeseburgers. After dinner we made love again, then I told him about a birthday party I was invited to if he felt up to tagging along he could but I had to make an appearance. We showered together (having sex again) then off to the party on the upper west side. This was to be our first "outing". It was a beautiful night so I wore my peep toe boots from ALDO, jeans and a black silk sleeveless blouse with a gray light-weight blazer. 'G' wore jeans, his brown leather jacket and a blue t-shirt that looked like he slept in it. He was still groggy and a bit unkempt. He held my hand as we walked into the bar. When our friends saw us I could tell some were shocked -- my friend 'C' who's birthday it was said "OMG!". After everyone's initial surprise, we all ate and drank and had such a good time. Most of the night 'G' held hand or would touch, or kiss me displaying affection publicly the way 'new' couples do. We were the last to get there and the first to leave. Back home we made love again even though we were tired, a little drunk and a lot sore.

Sunday morning, we got up early (7am) to drive up to see my folks. We got to Westchester in no time. My Mom made a delicious brunch with platters of scrambled eggs, spinach, cheese, tomato, onions, toast, bagels, cream cheese and lox which tipped the portion size-to-people ratio off the scale. 'G' and my Mom did most of the talking and mostly to each other. He told her how much he missed Thanksgiving dinner with her this year. Dad would wink at me or pat my hand from time to time. When it was time to go we gave each other hugs good-bye and when my mom and 'G' hugged longer than anyone I felt that lump in my throat and the burn in my eyes just before a tear appears. She missed him too.

In the car on the drive down, while waiting in traffic, we talked about the future. He wants to go away for Christmas.

Half Empty Office

2011-11-22T17:20:00.001-05:00

I received seven OOTO (Out Of The Office) emails today and five yesterday. I think more than half the office will be out tomorrow either prepping or travelling for Thanksgiving. That's perfect because tomorrow I need to leave early so I can go up to see my folks and help my Mom cook. I'm making the yams, mac n' cheese, and streamed veggies. My folks have a bunch of friends come over. I think we're expecting about 15 people including my sister and her husband. Then...then...the next day I leave Westchester, come back into the city, get my mani/pedi, clean my apt, do all my errands and simply wait -- wait to see 'G'. He's called me every day since he left and everyday he's told me how much he misses me. I get the feeling we won't be leaving the apartment much this week-end maybe to see a movie, but that would be the extent of it.

Speaking of movie; 'The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo' comes out on 12/21 and 'G' said he would go with me to see it only because his favorite director directed it -- David Fincher. Speaking of movies again; I can't forget the scene in 'Breaking Dawn - Part 1' where Bella goes into labor and the "baby" is so big and strong that she (the baby) is literally breaking her bones trying to come out. That scene so freaked me out.

My feelings fluctuate back and forth about having a baby. Sometimes I think I want a house full (G's of course) and other times I want to manually remove my uterus so it can't happen, but after seeing that scene and hearing bones crack (which someone told me can happen -- not to the extent of the movie); it freaks me out. Child birth, the freak out. Where are my pills?

Well, if I don't get a chance to post over this holiday week-end I would like to wish you and yours a very Happy Thanksgiving.

Hey, anyone doing a Turkey trot? Good Luck!

Work, that’s where I've been

2011-11-21T17:43:00.001-05:00

You know how if you see someone that you haven't seen in a long time and they ask you: "Where've you been?" Well, I would answer that question with a single word...work. I had to come into work on Saturday to try to get everything done by the deadline which is tomorrow. I'm almost there.

I did manage to squeeze in some time to go with a bunch of girlfriends to see the third installment of the Twilight series: Breaking Dawn Part 1. It was exactly what I expected and I loved it. Thank God this is a short week.

When I woke up this morning I kept saying to myself, Monday, Tuesday Wednesday. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. And soon 'G' will be back home. Can't wait.

Soul Searched

2011-11-15T17:15:00.001-05:00

I was on the phone with my mom yesterday going over some Thanksgiving details. I told her I've been spending lots of time with 'G'. She said she wasn't surprised. She seriously felt we would get back together somehow; then again my mother is a hopeless romantic. The thing of it is, if I search my soul, deep down I had a feeling I would see 'G' again. Not necessarily be boyfriend/girlfriend again, but at least friends.

The funny thing is during the marathon as I was actually running I would come across a group a people from Denmark. Two couples. Now there were thousands of people running in this thing and every couple miles I would see this same group of Danes.

Well, he called me this morning to say good-bye just before boarding his flight to Singapore. He comes back the Friday after Thanksgiving. Now usually I would go up to see my folks for Thanksgiving and spend the week-end. Not this year.

Friday, after eating Turkey and stuffing and yams, and mac n’ cheese, and ham and cornbread and string beans and cranberry sauce for Thanksgiving, I will leave Westchester and come back to the city, go on a quick run (which I will need to do) get back to my apartment and eagerly await his arrival. That's the plan

Life Is Unpredictable

2011-11-14T16:35:00.001-05:00

I thought it was all over with ‘G’. I pushed past all the hurt, pain and disappointment and found myself again. I wanted ‘G’ in my life, but not at the sacrifice of myself. When I met ‘G’ on Thursday night for dinner, I knew what I wanted from him, from myself, from life. We met at 8:00 at one of our favorite restaurants: Del Posto. I wore my black cashmere t-shirt with my tan mini skirt and the black boots I bought in Italy last year. We met outside and kissed ‘hello’ before going in. The dinner conversation was light-hearted filled with talk about work, my sister’s pregnancy, football and running. We laughed a lot over dinner. It was during dessert that I changed the tone of the evening and asked him: “So, what are we doing? Don’t get me wrong I love being with you, but I have to know what this is. I don’t want us to end up hurting each other again.”

He said: “What do you want?”

I said: “No, you answer the question. Why did you come see me after the marathon after all this time?”

It was the start of one of our more intense conversation. He spoke about getting over the hurt I caused him and wanting to start fresh with someone new.

How he couldn’t find someone he was happy with. I could tell he was a little uncomfortable with the topic, but I needed to know what’s going on. He told me a lot, most of which I’m not ready to share. It was after the waiter cleared our plates that he reached across the table to take my hand. He told me how much he really missed me. He said he kept comparing the other women to me which is natural, but he said he realized what he was looking for was a ‘replica’ (his word not mine) of me when he should just try to be with me. I am the one he wants. Then he said he still loves me. I told him I still love him as well.

After dinner we went back to my place and made love again. That time it felt different. It felt real. I don’t know how else to describe it. Friday, the next day, we both called in ‘sick’ and stayed in bed all day. Irresponsible perhaps, but I felt so good to play hooky with him.

Saturday, I went for my first post marathon run covering one loop of Central Park – 6+ miles. ‘G’ came with me and I had to tell him ‘no talking’. I can’t run and talk at the same time. He kept up with me, I was impressed. After our run it was back to my apartment where we had sex in the shower and again in bed before ordering Chinese for dinner.

Sunday, I went to church while he went to get a change of clothes so he could play in his soccer match. After church I met him in the park to watch him play. It was a little weird seeing his old friends again. I half expected some of them to give me the hairy eyeball, but they didn’t. I brought my camera because it was a perfect fall day with the leaves changing colors -- "hey trees strike a pose". Back at my apartment he showered and watched football while I made turkey burgers for dinner. With dinner over, he did the dishes, sat next to me on the sofa and started kissing me while putting his hand under my shirt. I got up and walked into the bedroom with him right behind me.

This morning he left my apartment at 5:00am to go home before heading into work. He leaves for Singapore tomorrow and will be gone for 10 days. I was still in bed when he came over to tell me he loves me and kiss me good-bye. After he left I hugged my pillow with a big smile on my face.

I love him. I still do.

Amazing Night

2011-11-10T14:27:00.001-05:00

Last night was AMAZING!

There I was at the Victora's Secret Fashion Show with Kanye West and JayZ performing! Then Maroon 5, then Nicki Manji, and some super beautiful models walking the runway. It was AMAZING! 'M' really hooked us up.

The after party was at the Dream Hotel on ninth avenue and it was just one big VIP room. You couldn't walk 200 feet without bumping into a celebrity! I saw Orlando Bloom, Kayne West, Leonardo Dicaprio, Maxwell, Steve Dorff, Cuba Gooding Jr., Nikki Hilton... I mean I felt like a celebrity. I kept pinching myself! 'M' would take me around and introduce me to his friends who were very hot, very gay and very fun! It was a once in a life time night and I loved every minute of it. I got home at 2:05am! I took some pic with my iPhone but for some strange reason they are all coming out sideways. Sorry.

Tonight I'm having dinner with 'G'. I can't wait to see him.

VS Model and Kanye West

VS Model

End of show with all models, performers and confetti

Maroon 5

One Thing After Another

2011-11-09T15:06:00.000-05:00

For how many months did I have nothing going on in my life and now something's happening every minute.

I told my therapist about seeing and sleeping with 'G'. I could tell her was a little taken aback, but she said she's confident I'm strong enough now to do what I feel in my gut is the right thing -- be it be with him or walk away. It was a good session.

Afterwards as I was walking down the street to catch the subway home I turned my phone back on and noticed 'G' sent me two text messages. One read: I miss you. And the other read: I want to see you tonight. I couldn't help but smile when I read them. So, yes he came over and we had sex again and you know what? I don't feel bad about it. Not only is having sex with him the BEST SEX EVER! But also...I still love him. We spent Sunday night, Monday night, and now Tuesday night making love all night and this morning there were flowers delivered to me here at the office with a card from 'G' that read: Congrats on the marathon! You are an amazing, beautiful woman.

Tonight my friend 'M' and I are going to the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show at The Armory on Lexington Avenue. He scored tix from his new boyfriend who is working the lights for the show. I'm so excited; I’m busting out the Manolos! 'G' was a little disappointed when I told him I had this event and won't see him tonight, but I will see him tomorrow. We made dinner plans and that's when the topic will be addressed: "What are we doing?" Inhale, exhale. Whatever the answer, I’m ready.

Right now, I have to focus on the ability to wear four inch heels with still sore thighs. Wish me luck!

Where's My Therapist?!

2011-11-08T17:41:00.001-05:00

I can’t concentrate. I’m still so sore today. Stairs scare me. Everyone here at work came over to congratulate me and all I can think about is ‘G’. As promised he came over after work yesterday with food. The dinner conversation started out simple and safe. He asked how my training went, what training plan I followed, when did I find time to run...

Apparently he has been keeping up with my training through M&K our mutual friends, but wanted more details. It was like going back-to-school where you had to write about 'what you did over the summer.' I ran, he travelled. He spent three weeks in Europe visiting his family and seeing friends in London, Paris and Norway. While we were talking I realized how much I miss him. I do. Deny and suppress it all I want, the truth is I really miss him in my life. I asked him point blank if he was seeing anyone. I had to know. He said no then asked me the same question. I told him I haven’t even had sex since we broke-up. Here’s a recap of part of the conversation:

Him: You haven’t had sex in almost year?

Me: Correct. I’ve kissed a few boys, but never got up the nerve. Came close a few times. What about you?

Him: I’ve had sex. Nothing to write home about.

We finished eating and he did the dishes for me while I sat and continued to watch the football game. When he joined me on the sofa I told him how much my legs hurt and he offered to give me a massage. Well, one thing led to another and we had sex on my sofa, then again in my bed.

Afterwards, we were laying there, me on my side and him spooning behind me and I couldn’t shake the image of him in bed with someone else. I asked him what the "other girls" were like. He said none of them are worth spending the time talking about when he'd rather talk about me. He slowly, softly rubbed my thigh and whispered in my ear "Your body looks amazing. You are in such great shape I can't keep my hands off you." We fell asleep wrapped in each other just like the old days. I'm so scared. My head is all over the place. Is this just sex or does he want us to get back together? I'm so glad I have my therapy session tonight.

HELP!

Marathon Monday -- Home 'resting'

2011-11-07T19:29:00.001-05:00

This is the post where I’m supposed to tell you what it was like for me to run in my first marathon. My first New York City Marathon. I will tell you all about that, but I also have to tell you how ‘G’ and I reconnected and ended up sleeping together.

The Marathon:
The weather couldn’t have been better. I took the Staten Island ferry over to Fort Wadsworth where the marathon started. I found a sunny spot on the grass that was still cold and wet from the morning dew. While waiting in the corrals for the marathon to start I ended up talking with two women from Canada also running their first marathon. I will never forget the feeling when I heard the canon boom and I took my first step of many to cover 26.2 miles. It was fun and hard and beautiful and exciting and painful all at the same time. I hit ‘The Wall’ going over the Willis Avenue Bridge and walked most of The Bronx (my old hood). Hearing the cheering crowds along the way made all the difference. They were a huge help. I finished 5:08:22. Not bad.

‘G’:
Now the plan was to have my family and friends meet me at The Historical Society on 81st street afterwards for a celebratory dinner. Wrapped in my foil heat sheet I made my way through the crowd to find them. When I did there was my Mom, Dad, Sister (showing baby bump), her husband, S, her boyfriend and standing behind them was ‘G’. Apparently he called my Mom and Sis to ask if it would be OK if he was there as well. Oh yes it was. When I saw him at first I thought I was suffering from an overdose of endorphins from the run. I thought I was hallucinating. The funny thing is after I gave everyone a hug/kiss we hugged and it was the longest hug. It felt like home. It felt like everything was over – the marathon, our separation, his hatred for me, my hatred of myself. It felt good. We all ate at a very crowded Italian restaurant then took the ‘C’ train after dinner (since it was the closest subway) to get home. ‘G’ said he could help me get home since I was starting to cramp-up a little. We reached the top of the subway stairs and my whole body tensed up in fear. I knew it would hurt going down three flights of stairs. He put his arm around my waist to help me and that sent a thrill through my body. I hadn’t felt his touch in months.

He walked me home and I asked him if he wanted to come inside. He said yes and that’s when I knew something was going to happen. I knew right then and there that we were going to have sex. Once inside he took off my black leather jacket as I took out two glasses and a bottle of wine. I taped the marathon earlier that morning so I set it up for him to watch as I went in to take the world’s longest shower.

After my shower, we sat there drinking wine, watching the marathon and me still talking about my experience. He really didn’t say much. It didn’t take very long. After just a few sips of wine he leaned in and kissed me. My lips were raw and hurting from running in the sun, wind, and at times cold air, but once they touched his all the pain went away. He kissed my cheeks, neck and ear before returning to my lips. We kissed for a while before he asked me where the bedroom was. I happily showed him the way. He pulled my grey sweatshirt over my head then unbuttoned his black shirt. He softly kissed my shoulder, neck and chin before going back to my lips. I pulled his belt open then unzipped his jeans. He took them off super-fast then pulled my black sweat pants off me. He slowly pushed my sore legs apart then slowly pushed himself inside me. I tighten my grip on his shoulders when I felt him. It all came back to me how our bodies felt together. Perfect. It felt so good not only to have sex again – yeah! but, to have sex with ‘G’ again – double yeah! And on the day after I ran a marathon – triple yeah! God I missed him. I missed him more than I would allow myself to admit. The entire time while we were making love he kept his eyes locked on me.

Afterwards, we continued to give each other kisses and I don’t know what came over me but I told him that I missed him. I didn’t care. I wanted him to hear it. Then he said he missed me too. Shortly afterwards we both fell asleep.

This morning I woke up to the sounds of ‘G’ talking on the phone while we were both still in bed. I could barely move. He told me he was re-arranging a morning meeting he had. We went back and forth a little because he wanted to stay with me all day. I told him it wasn’t necessary since I had the day off and was going to stay in bed all day. Then he said: “That why I want to stay.” I made him go to work, but he said he would stop by after work later on tonight with food. Perfect. Can you believe this? ‘G’.

My feelings about this are all over the place. One minute I’m so excited to have him back in my life, to worrying if he only wants sex and will leave me again, to thinking he wants to be with me forever… WHAT IS HAPPENING TO MY LIFE!

I ran a marathon and slept with my ex all in one day. It took me all day to write this because I was just nervous about everything. He'll be here by 8:00 with Thai food for dinner..for us...

PS: marathon photos to come.

The NYC Marathon Expo

2011-11-04T22:12:00.001-04:00

I picked up my swag bag today and they say there are 47,000 people running in the marathon. I'm pretty sure they were all at the expo today. WOW. Most of the folks there...didn't speak ENGLISH! Weird. Blue corral. Wave 3 -- 10:40 start, bib number_______. Breathe in, breathe out. I'm so excited, scared, nervous, anxious, happy, worried, pumped, READY!

Nervous

2011-11-01T13:49:00.001-04:00

I ran Sunday. Six miles. I'll run three miles tonight. I'm nervous. I'm not sleeping well. What was I thinking?

Bowling

2011-10-26T17:29:00.002-04:00

I did a seven mile hill workout this morning before work so in additional to my legs killing me, I’m extremely exhausted and there's this company team bonding outing tonight at Lucky Strike. That's right we're all going bowling!!!! I don't bowl because I don't wear other people's shoes, but I'll keep an open mind; maybe I'll meet someone...

Taper Time

2011-10-21T13:56:00.001-04:00

Last week I got my official booklet/guide to the NYC Marathon and yesterday I got my registration form with my bib number and corral. Green corral, wave 3. 10:40 start. This is really happening. I’m going to run a marathon…

This week-end starts my taper time. I’m only going to do a 14 -16 mile run tomorrow and I’ll get it done early because I plan on going up to Westchester to see my sister. I’m bringing an overnight bag because I want to spend the night with my parents; you know ‘catch-up’.

This morning the ‘Today’ show had Coldplay performing and since my office is not that far away from Rockefeller Center, I got up a little earlier than usual (5:00AM) in hopes of getting a good spot and I did. There I was packed in with the other fans, but at least I got to hear them play. It was so amazingly fantastic. That’s a picture of Chris Martin the lead singer who’s totally hot and married to Gwyneth Paltrow. That’s all I could manage to get since my phone was almost totally out of juice. Their new album (Mylo Xyloto) comes out on Monday and that’s a must download.

Tonight, I’m going over to ‘M’s place to watch a movie. It’ll probably be something classic like: All About Eve or Casablanca. I’m looking forward to it.

And did you hear that the ‘Sybil’ story was all a lie? Why would someone make all that up?

2,584

2011-10-16T18:40:00.001-04:00

That's how many calories I burnt on my 20.19 run earlier today. 4:35 minutes later. This second 20 mile run was more painful, but I'm ready and excited!

Sex Starved

2011-10-14T20:47:00.000-04:00

Truth? Truth. The reason I even thought about seeing DJ again is because he is my only hope of having sex again. I mean I could call 'The Neighbor', but that's just too obvious and there are too many bad memories attached to that model. I didn't text DJ back, but I wanted to... I want to have sex. I miss it. I do. I'm a healthy, kinda young, hip New York woman and I want sex. There I said it.

Yes, I could just go down to the local bar with a deep v-neck top of some sort and short skirt, but I'm too stuck in the 'morning after' awkwardness to do that. I mean, yes I could turn everything off -- morals, rational thinking, self preservation and according to Nike -- Just Do It, but I'm not built that way. Instead I sit here, in my apartment with a glass of wine. Trust me running helps, but maybe its because there's a hint of Fall in the air tonight, or maybe its the great smelling Yankee Candle (Autumn Wreath) I bought tonight, maybe its the fact that last year this time 'G' and I were getting ready to go to Italy. Whatever it is, tonight I miss it. Inhale, exhale. Things will be fine. I know it. I feel it.

Tomorrow, I go to the movies with a coworker/friend then bed early in preparation for my long training run. She wants to see: 'What's Your Number?' Should be interesting. Well, I'm going to make a movie put me to sleep and start life anew tomorrow.

Weeks Later

2011-10-13T18:20:00.003-04:00

I'm still here at work trying to finish up a project I've been working on all week which was sucking the life out of me. The deck is currently in proofreading. I'm going out with some co-workers tonight for drinks, so I hope to be leaving here within the next half hour. I have to get something to eat though, I'm starving. Can you imagine if I went out drinking on an empty stomach? Like that's never happened before. On the barren land that is my dating life...DJ texted me.

See below:

"Suz, Sorry I fucked up the last time we met. Let me make it up to you."

My response back was:

"Let me think about it."

Then he sent this:

-______________ - please...

My response:

"Hold please."

This week-end I have my second and last 20 mile run so needless to say that's my focus. Men.

My New Boyfriend

2011-10-11T22:21:00.000-04:00

I have a new boyfriend. His name is Marathon Training. I've spent more time with him than any other boyfriend. I spend hours with him, cancel other commitments so I could be with him and I talk about him all the time. He wears me out, but is so satisfying. He's changed my body and my life. Tomorrow I see my other boyfriend...Yoga. He's hot.

Good Bye Steve

2011-10-06T13:43:00.003-04:00

Thank you for changing the world for the better. Thank you for introducing us to words like: iPod, iPhone, and iPad. I remember getting my first iPod and saying to myself: “This is the coolest thing ever.” You will be missed.

Getty Photo

Just For Me

2011-10-05T18:12:00.000-04:00

http://simplysolo.wordpress.com/2011/10/04/simply-solo-spotlight-on-this-day-i-thee-tri/

This is a post from another blogger that truly speaks to me, about me and for me.

Last year this time I was still stinging over the consequences of cheating on 'G'. We "made up" but there was still something totally not right. Yet, we forged ahead and booked a trip to Italy in hopes of rekindling our romance. While the trip itself was great considering once back home the weight of what I did remained too much for 'G' to accept so, one day I came home from work to find his bags packed and him telling me: "I can't".

Now a year later, instead of crying over what could have been, my focus isn’t on what I've lost, but what I'm gaining. Gaining through my marathon training. This morning I got up and did a three mile run and I decided to leave my headphones home. I focused on my breathing, said a few prays and just had a little "think about nothing" time. It was awesome. A great way to start the day. 'G' did what he felt he had to do and I don't blame him for it, but here I am a year later about to embark on something…just for me.

Comments

2011-10-03T13:40:00.000-04:00

I can’t seem to be able to respond to Jess and Mizkay’s comments. I keep getting an error message so guys, this posts for you!

Thank you both for your comment. It means a lot to me that you would take time out not only to read my blog but also give me a ‘shout out’ Thanks! Mizkay I say this to you: “Run Baby Run” believe it or not training for this marathon is the best thing I’ve ever done, and…and I’ve lost 15 pounds and gained lean toned muscle. The irony, I look good. My body has never been in better shape and yet. NO ONE get to see me naked. Hahaha!

I’m going to try to do a quick three mile run in tonight and just do between 6-8 miles this week-end because next w/e I have to do another 20 miles. I’ll probably do it in Central Park again.

33 days until the marathon.

I Should Have Know

2011-10-02T21:49:00.000-04:00

I should have known that you don't say yes to a date to a guy who hasn't call you in two weeks prior. Freak. My date with DJ was a disaster of the capital D kind. Why you ask? Why?, because he was 15 minutes late and drunk when he showed up. Drunk as in I can smell the alcohol on you as you slur your speech. Weirdo. It's not even worth writing about because I just want to move on. Who does that? Who shows up for a date hammered? I mean we meet at this Italian place in my hood and while I ordered the eggplant parm (they're speciality) he ordered a pinto noir. DB. I ate, we talked very little, then I went home. Nightmare. I didn't care to even put the effort into it. My life right now boils down to two things: working and training for the marathon. That's it.

Friday night after work I came straight home, turning down all requests to go out drinking, made my turkey meatball and spaghetti dinner recipe I found on epicure.com, and went to bed. Saturday morning I had that run I signed up for: Grete's Great Gallop, so I took the subway uptown to Central Park. The funny/weird part was while on the num. 6 subway there were three guys wearing red running shirts that read: Denmark. They too were apparently running in the half marathon. Two of the guy were tall and cute, one was short and kinda funny looking. Anyway, we all got out and went to run. I thought it was kinda funny that of all the moments in the world I had to see three guys from Denmark running in the same race as me. I wondered what 'G' was doing at that moment and it wasn't until I heard the starting horn go off that I shook the thoughts of him.

Well, after my 13.1 mile run I paused turned around then did another loop for a total of 20 miles. Yah. After my run, I was numb from the waist down. Everything was sore and stiff. My knees, hips, thighs, ankles, even my pelvis hurt. I took a cab home then showered, ate my leftover spaghetti dinner and was asleep by 8:45pm.

Today I was up at 8:00am. I'm still sore and need to think before my legs can move but I went to church, picked up a bagel sandwich at my local deli then spent the day on the sofa watching football in and out of sleep. I ordered Chinese for dinner while just chilling out in front on the TV, on the sofa, under a soft warm blanket. No worry about men or work or anything. Just me.

Off The Hook

2011-09-29T17:12:00.000-04:00

Looks like DJ and I are on for dinner tonight. My boss is taking our clients out to dinner by herself. She said she didn't need to company, how happy am I? Now, I wonder what dinner with this guy will be like. When we met for "coffee" a while back, I remember having a great time with him so all indications point to a rockin good time no?

Trying To Have A Life Here...

2011-09-28T18:16:00.000-04:00

I have a big client presentation tomorrow which requires me to spend hours writing and re-writing the presentation deck which caused me to have a headache which caused me to buy the world's largest bag of Cheese Doodles I could find. Don't know why, it just did.

I'm still here at work waiting for some last minute tweaks from my boss then I can leave and go on a run. Just a quick three mile run. My legs feel much better today and I'm not walking around like I got gang-banged.

My main concern now is this. I'm supposed to go out to dinner with DJ tomorrow night. We have the client presentation and normally I can bail-out of any dinner plans my boss has with them, but earlier today she told me that I'm on "stand-by" for dinner with the client’s tomorrow night. Total suck-ville. I mean I really do want to go out with DJ because I haven't seen him in a while and to be honest I almost forgot what he looks like. Then again, he did pull a disappearing act a few days ago.

What to do? What to do?

I'm Going To Be An Auntie!

2011-09-26T17:07:00.000-04:00

My sister is pregnant! Finally, after over a year of trying, IVF (and prayers) saves the day. She called me on Saturday morning to tell me and I took the fastest train up to see her. She’s only six weeks and outside of her husband I’m the only one that knows. She, of course, will tell our folks but she wants to wait a little longer. The baby is due in June which is perfect since she and her husband are both teachers and will have the Summer off to bond, nurture, spoil, love their new baby.

This confirms for me that God’s timing is perfect. They had to wait until this time, this time to get pregnant, not before, not after. Just perfect. I can’t tell you how happy I am for them. The look on my sister’s face was priceless. She picked me up at the station dressed in jeans and multi floral t-shirt and as I walked toward her, I started getting teary eyed. I stood in front of her, we hugged, and then I gently touched her belly. I can’t wait to see the little peanut. So happy for them. So happy.

It was a good week-end to be up in Westchester because DJ texted me (finally) Friday night (the nerve) inquiring what my plans were. I was/am kinda mad at him for “disappearing” and assuming I was just sitting around waiting for him to call me. I was honest and told him I was spending the week-end with my family. We’re having dinner on Thursday night. Let’s see how that goes.

I had my first twenty mile run yesterday. That was hard. At the end of the run my legs were killing me and my stomach as well. My thigh muscles were so sore and stiff I could barely walk. Then despite being hungrier than I’ve ever been in my life, I had to wait a half an hour before thinking about putting something in my stomach it was so upset. My body is still getting use to all this exercise/torture.

I have a very busy week ahead: Therapy tonight. Yoga tomorrow, run Wednesday, dinner out Thursday, yoga Friday, half-marathon Saturday then collapse Sunday.

photo from http://www.free-extras.com/images/pregnancy-2114.htm

Soooo Ready for the Week-end

2011-09-23T17:06:00.000-04:00

I’m going out with some co-workers tonight to say ‘good-bye’ to one of the folks that’s leaving. I can’t wait to get my drink on. I’ve worked about 55 hours this week and I’m soooo ready for a dirty martini or I might get one of those drinks called ‘The Mind Eraser’

God I need one.

Fried Brain

2011-09-21T19:20:00.001-04:00

I’m still at work. I figure it’s OK because even if I did have a boyfriend I would be of no use to him tonight. My brain is FRIED. Maybe I’ll pick-up some Scotch on the way home. Doing this post is my 'reset' button. Back to work.

Nothing Doin' On

2011-09-20T17:44:00.000-04:00

I’d like to tell you that a lot of really exciting things are happening to me right now, but the truth is nothing and I really mean nothing is happening. I saw DJ on Thursday and guess what? I haven’t seen or heard from him since nor am I going to call or text him. WTF?! I hate men…sorry. I don’t hate them its just it seems like this dating thing is getting harder and harder to figure out. Used to be if you liked someone, you call them. You hang out with them. WTF?! I actually had to work this week-end and believe it or not I welcomed the idea. I came across this blog that perfectly fits where I am in my life right now. Enjoy.

http://simplysolo.wordpress.com/2011/09/20/simply-solo-spotlight-dont-ask-silly-questions/

The one cool thing is that my training runs are going really well. No knee pain or anything just the standard soreness that comes from a sixteen plus mile run. This week-end I’m schedule to do my first twenty mile run. Pray.

Nanette Lepore

2011-09-14T22:52:00.001-04:00

You are not going to believe what happened to me today. There I was at work minding my own business when DJ texted me: 'What are you doing at 11:00 today?' I texted back that I had a meeting which I did. He then called me to tell me he had two tickets to the 11:30 fashion show of Nanette Lepore at Lincoln Center. I freaked. I would love to go to a show especially since I've never been. I told him somehow, someway I would make it. He scored the tickets from one of his friends he did a gig for. I told my account manager I couldn't make the meeting because I had to run a very important errand -- heeheehee.

There I was at 11:00 walking across town to meet him. Good thing I decided to kinda dress up today in my black v-neck blouse, black mini skirt and Kenneth Cole platforms (very NY fashion show chic). He was wearing a black dress shirt and dark jeans when I saw him waiting at the top of the stairs past the fountain. He greeted me with a "hey beautiful" and took my hand as we walked to the central check-in booth. He presented the tickets and this girl (probably a fashion student) escorted us to our seat -- six rows from the front. I couldn't believe it.

It was just as I had imagined. Just like on TV. I felt chic, glamorous, trendy, important, hip, sophisticated, cool, famous, beautiful, and happy. You couldn't wipe the grin off my face with industrial strength Clorox. We sat close together with our hips touching. I told him about how I got out of the meeting and thanked him every five minutes. There were some people sitting, some standing around.

I saw Stanley Tucci, Kelly Rutherford and Arianna Huffington sitting across from us in the front row. He was in mid-sentence when the lights dimmed signaling everyone to be seated. My heart was jumping with excitement! The first model stepped out in the brightest most perfectly day-glo-ed yellow sundress I've ever seen and I loved it. There were a total of 32 looks/models making the show last all of ten minutes. It was one of the best ten minutes of my life!

The lights came up and everyone applauded before slowing mingling and/or exiting the studio. DJ and I walked around inside for a bit before he hailed me a cab to take me the short ride back to work. For the rest of the day I was useless. How cool is he? I found out he's a contractor at this legal place so he can sort of make his own hours which is why he was able to attend. He got the tickets and thought of me right away. He said: "What girl doesn't like fashion?" And right he is.

Didn't meet 'The Neighbor' for dinner. He was "disappointed" Whatever. I told my therapist about DJ on Monday when I saw her. She said I sound happy and seemed to have moved on from 'G'. 'G'? 'G' who?

Holla!

Hey Mr. DJ

2011-09-12T17:36:00.000-04:00

He called, well texted on Friday, the next day after we met. When I saw it was his name and number I got a little nervous the way someone would when your high school crush walks by you or makes eye contact. His text was to invite me to meet him for breakfast Saturday morning. It was an unconventional first date, but at 11:00am Saturday morning I met him at this place he recommended called Petite Abeille. I went for a run Friday night because I knew I would be too nervous to sleep without doing one.

Saturday morning I showered, put on my AG faded black, ripped, skinny jeans, plain white v-neck t-shirt and carried my dark gray cardigan in my tote bag. I was a little late because my hair and make-up was in a bad mood and decided to fight me so he was already there and seated when I arrived. He wore dark jeans and a red, with blue plaid shirt. He looked good. He held the chair out for me as the waiter made his way over to us. After we placed our order it was nonstop talking. He told me about all the places he's been throughout the world. We talked about our family, friends and of course we talked about music. He's 31 (a little young), worked as a trader on Wall St and quit because he hated it, is currently working in the accounting dept of a small legal company. DJ-ing is something he does on the side using his old Wall St client base to get him gigs and from what I gather he makes a lot of money from this, but the jobs don't come around very often and the competition is cut-throat. He’s trying to build up a base of client so he can do this full time.

Here are his vitals:

He's originally from NYC, grew up in Hell's Kitchen.
He has one younger sister who's a doctor.
He is funny and smart and gives you his undivided attention when you talk to him.

I really like this guy. Long after the waiter collected our plates we sat there talking, people watching, and getting to know each other. It was as if we didn't want to leave. At 2:00 he said he had to go and pick-up some DJ equipment he left at a friend’s apartment. He even invited me to come along, but I need to get home to do errand and I had a waxing appointment I couldn't miss. Before we parted ways he said he would "be in touch with me soon." After he said that I was a little disappointed because it sounded like a bit of a brush off. Soon? How soon, like tomorrow or next month?

Well, he texted me on Sunday while I was out on my 14 mile run. He didn't ask to go out again, it was just a "Hey, what's new?" text. We went back and forth via text, but again no plan was made to see each other. I want to see him again. I want us to go out again. I had so much fun just laughing with him and hearing his travel stories. I’m nervous and excited and scared all at the same time.

My Fashion Night Out

2011-09-09T17:13:00.000-04:00

Last night ‘S’ and I went to be a part of New York’s version of Fashion Night Out. I can’t begin to tell you how crowded the streets, stores and city was. It felt like everyone who is anyone was out. We first hit J. Crew because I wanted to see/meet/shake hands with Jenna Lyons the creative genius behind J. Crew, but guess what? She was unable to attend. I mean really? ‘S’ and I stood in line outside waiting for her. Not good Jenna, not good. After shaking the dust of J. Crew off our feet we got on the subway and headed up to Bloomingdales. OMG! What a mob scene.

The store was packed with people and food and drinks and stars and clothes and lions, tigers and bears. I wanted to see Rachel Zoe but the area she was in was so crowded that I could only sense she was there I couldn’t see her. ‘S’ wanted to see Ali Hewson (wife of u2’S Bono) who was promoting her Edun line in the lower level Metro section of the store. [I took that picture of her from last night.] As the escalator ascended down, the heads and bodies of all the people there started to blend into one sea of humanity. I had no idea this many people came out for this kind of event. ‘S’ was very excited to see Ali, me not so much. I tried to get us water from the “bar and after about a ten minute wait to get there when I asked for water the bartender told me they only had two types of drinks: strawberry margarita and something called a ‘gold rush’. I passed on both.

Ali was standing near a sofa with a crowd of people talking to her, so ‘S’ decided to just go up and wait her turn. She went straight ahead and I stood by the DJ “booth”. I was lost in my own thoughts when I felt someone touch my arm. When I looked to my left I saw it was the DJ. He said: “I like your bracelet.” I was wearing my leather bracelet I got in Italy with ‘G’ last fall. (God, that’s seems like a hundred years ago). I told him I got it in Italy and he mentioned how much he liked Rome. Next thing you know we’re chatting it up about Italy, the food, the scenery and for him the club scene.

We were still talking when ‘S’ came back from her brush with stardom and that’s when he introduced himself to us. We’ll just call him ‘DJ’. ‘S’ wanted to see Eddie Cibrian who was on the seventh floor so we had to leave. She (being a good friend) sensed it was best to let us say good-bye in private and just waited for me by the UP escalator. Sure enough he asked if we could met for (get this) coffee? Coffee? I was taken a little aback by the fact that it was coffee and not drinks, but he was cute and I did want to see him again. I gave him my number. We saw Eddie then decided we had enough excitement and went home.

All night, in bed, I couldn’t stop thinking about this guy. He is totally hot. Tall, dark skin and believe it or not with a shaven head and green eyes. His looks are striking at first then change to unique, then warm. At least that’s how I would describe him. I haven’t heard from him yet to day, but I really, really, really hope he calls me.

FNO

2011-09-08T10:54:00.000-04:00

Sorry I haven’t been able to post the past few days but I’ve been slammed here at work. New client means new client demands so Susan gets in at 8:30am and doesn’t leave until 9:30 – 10:00pm. And after staring at a computer screen all day it’s hard to fire up the laptop and get a decent post together. Most nights I just fall asleep in front of the TV or after a run, shower then go straight to bed.

Tonight will be different because tonight is Fashion’s Night Out and ‘S’ and I plan on hitting a few stores after work. The first of which is J.Crew (my favorite store).

One interesting piece of news, well remotely interesting. I finally caved in and agreed to have dinner with ‘The Neighbor’ this Saturday night. God know why, maybe out of loneliness, who knows. I can assure you that NOTHING is going to happen. NOTHING.

Good-Bye August

2011-08-31T20:11:00.003-04:00

Today is the last day of August my most regretful month. It was August of last year when I cheated on 'G', told him, then lost him. Last year August changed my life forever. This year's August came armed with only an earthquake and hurricane, easy to handle by comparison. You know for all the booty calls I use to get from guys: 'C', 'R', The Neighbor', not one of them called me after the earthquake or hurricane to see if I was ok/alive. Men. They all only want one thing.

I can't remember the last time I had sex. I don't even remember how to have sex. I think it's time. The question is do I just have a one night stand this way I won't have any expectations or do I create a FWB? I have to do something soon because I'm noticing more zits on my face and we all know that's from a lack of sex...

This is my life right now. Work. Run. Work. Run. I have a client meeting tomorrow morning. I ran last night. I will run tomorrow night and 14 miles on Saturday. I can't wait for the holiday week-end, not that I have anything spectacular planned, but just the idea of NOT WORKING pleases me. At least on Friday 'M' and I will get our drink on to kick-off our week-end. 'M' wants to have dinner then drinks at a gay bar. I figure why not, at least one of us has a chance of getting laid.

Hurricane Irene -- waiting

2011-08-27T21:35:00.000-04:00

Here I sit at my friends apartment on the upper west side with 'S' as we wait out 'Hurricane Irene'. Our friend 'T' invited us to come up yesterday so we took her up on it and it's been a crazy drinking pajamas party since then. I'm in the Union Square area which should be fine but why turn down the chance to be friends during a time like this, so I packed my essentials, and here I am. Me. 'S', 'T', and our girlfriend 'C'

Mom, Dad, Sis & her hubby had to evacuate Mamaroneck and Larchmont, so they're with friends in upper western New York way above sea level.

Back here, we went grocery shopping with about ten thousand of our closest friends this morning then to a bar and now after some more wine we sit and wait for...God, please don't let this be too bad. Please have mercy and spare our city but maybe make it bad enough for me not to be able to make it in to work on Monday.

Thank you a slightly buzzed Susan.

Earthquake

2011-08-23T18:08:00.000-04:00

I'm sitting at my desk around 2 this afternoon when I felt the building very slightly sway; when about thirty seconds later another more noticeable sway. At first I thought since it was two in the afternoon and I was so slammed with work and didn't have lunch yet -- I was going to pass out from lack of food. It wasn’t until I heard the building alarm go off and someone announce: “Please evacuate the building." that I realized something was really wrong.

Two seconds later I called my sister (who was home) and she told me there was an earthquake. We spoke for a little while then I called my mom who confirmed the same thing. I tried to call ‘S’ but at that point all the circuits were busy and I wasn’t unable to get through. I had flashbacks of 9/11 when I reached the street and saw everyone from every office building standing around in what I guess would be slight shock. I had to fight back the tears. All I wanted to do was call 'G'. I didn’t. Instead I daydreamed ‘let him hear of my sudden and shocking death.’ I know. I’m crazy.

Half an hour later we were allowed back inside the building – aka “get back to work”. I’m still a little shaky, so ‘S’ and I are meeting for a drink after work. I need one.

You Crazy Twenty Somethingers

2011-08-19T18:08:00.001-04:00

As you all know last night I met M&K for dinner with a few friends one of which was supposed to be this guy they thought I would like. I said thought. Unfortunately he was totally not my type. Short, a little thick, and not that cute, at least not to me. I was disappointed and relieved at the same time. But the best part of the evening was brought to us by a girl named 'J'.

'J' is a twentysomething big-breasted nymphomaniac. She doesn't have a boyfriend and doesn't want a boyfriend. She prefers to have sex with friends, strangers, countrymen... She spent most of the night telling me/us about all the sex she's having even once, last week in an alley in Murray Hill. I'm thinking " Geez have some class. At least have it in a bathroom like 'G' and I use to." And with every other sentence she felt the need to adjust her "top" because the poor spaghetti straps were struggling to keep things in tack. Oh and of course she's pretty -- bitch. It was very entertaining.

'S' and I are going to see a movie tonight. I'm sitting here at my desk waiting for her to call me when she's done with work so we can have a quick bite beforehand.

Twenty mile run this week-end. Get excited!

Dating Again?

2011-08-17T21:55:00.000-04:00

M&K promised me tomorrow is "not a date" But I know them and they wouldn't have me meet someone they don't think I would want to date.

I'm nervous.

I really want to cancel.

A Body In Recovery

2011-08-16T16:29:00.000-04:00

Well, I did my 18 mile run on Saturday in Central Park and it wasn't what I expect. What I expected was to pass out half way through it or to buckle over in pain from something hurting, but instead I did it. I actually ran the18 mile. Now in case you didn't know there are some things that happen to your body during and after a long run like this, at least the things that happened to my body. The first mile felt more awkward than painful but, I settled into a good fluid motion after a while. The weird body thing afterwards was my stomach. I was starving when I was done, but couldn't eat a thing because my stomach was upset. It felt like if I ate anything it would give me a stomachache and/or go right through me – sorry. It was as if all that running/motion caused my stomach acids to be too active – ouch.

After 3h:17m of running I had to wait another 20 minutes until I was able to eat something. But, here the thing; during my run, as expected I saw the same people doing the loop in the opposite direction. One person was this guy I saw who looked like 'G'(it wasn’t him). He would look at me as we passed each other.

As a runner as when you pass other runners running in the opposite direction, the protocol is to basically not make eye contact or if you do it’s a quick glance. This guy was staring at me from a quarter of a mile out until he passed me was -- odd. But, I didn't mind because he was cute and like I said reminded me of 'G'. Actually to his credit, he kept me going because I didn't want him to see me walking at any point. He did finish before me.

Sunday I couldn’t move so I sat on my sofa and watch four Lifetime movies, back-to-back-to-back. It was awesome. Tonight I run just three miles, tomorrow I have a birthday dinner after work. Thursday, if you can believe it or not, M&K has “someone they want me to meet” so we’re all going out to dinner.

Pray.

Friday Beautiful Friday

2011-08-12T09:48:00.000-04:00

I can't wait for this work day to be over and its only 9:35am. Today the weather is just gorgeous. Sunny, little or no humidity, just perfect. I realized last night that I have an 18 mile training run tomorrow, so I really can't or shouldn't go out with 'M' tonight. I’ll break the news to him later. He won't care; he'll go anyway either with someone else or by himself. So I guess tonight I'll go home, go to bed early and just relax and maybe watch a movie. God my life is boring. What happened?

And the other crazy part in my head is I can't stop thinking about this time last year when I slept with 'The Neighbor'. Not in a "I want to do it with him again" kind of way, the thoughts just pop up. Well, time for me to start some work.

Happy Friday everyone!!

Out Of The Blue

2011-08-10T17:30:00.000-04:00

I’m so sorry my friends that I haven’t been able to post for the past few days. I’ve been slammed with work and if you can believe it ‘The Neighbor”, who was apparently out of town but is now back in town, has been texting me wanting to “meet up.” I can’t. The goal is to move forwards not backwards. I mean he’s texting me every other day.

“What’s new with you?”

“Dying to see you”

“Hoping we can get together”

I know the only reason he wants to meet me is to try and sleep with me…again. I guess I’ll not the only one having flashback to last year this time. Sorry dude, there will be no repeat performance. I just can’t.

This week-end is actually busy for me. Tonight ‘S’ & I are going to Brooklyn to see Bon Iver. She got us tickets and at first I didn’t want to go since Brooklyn = ‘C’ and I haven’t heard hair nor hide from him but I figure, why deny myself. Show begins at 7:30. I just hope I can get out of here on time.

Then, I’m meeting ‘M’ on Friday and going to a gay bar! Believe it! Saturday I’m invited to a dinner party with M&K and Sunday 18 mile training run. I couldn’t do my 16 mile training run last week-end because to be honest I was hit with a wave of depression that prevented me from doing anything that required me to leave to apartment. It was just PMS. I’m feeling better now. Tonight ‘S’ & I are going to Brooklyn to see Bon Iver. She got us tickets and at first I didn’t want to go since Brooklyn = ‘C’ and I haven’t heard hair nor hide from him but I figure, why deny myself. Show begins at 7:30. I just hope I can get out of here on time.

The Only Thing

2011-08-05T12:01:00.000-04:00

The only thing I have going on this week-end is a 16 mile training run. That's the only thing. Can you believe it? Oh wait...I might be babysitting Angela.

Last year this time I was planning my wedding. I wonder where I'll be a year from now.

'The Bachelorette

2011-08-02T14:01:00.000-04:00

I watched the season finale of 'The Bachelorette' last night and there were moments as I'm watching it I would cringe simply because JP reminded me so much of 'G'. Not so much in looks but more in the shape of his head with his buzz cut. 'G' wears his "hair" exactly like that.

I still miss him but it’s from a more distant place. As time drifts us further and further apart I actually want nothing but the best for him and myself. Maybe by now he does have someone special in his life. Someone he can trust, love and navigate life with. As for me, to only people calling me these days are my parents, sister (giving me her IVF treatment updates) and occasionally friends -- 'S', 'M&K', 'M'. Even my therapy sessions are much better than in the beginning when all I would do is cry for an hour.

One day at a time my friends...one day at a time.

August

2011-08-01T17:39:00.000-04:00

I dread this month now because of what happened last year. August was the month all the bad thoughts beat-up the good thoughts and kicked them out. August was the month I felt the weakest, ugliest, and most insecure -- which all led up to me cheating on 'G', losing him and now a 35 yr old single woman living in New York with a better chance of getting stuck by lightening than getting married. The good news is I'm use to doing things on my own now. I'm more comfortable in my own skin. Take Saturday for example.

It was a nice day so after my bagel, lox and cream cheese breakfast, I packed my orange Jansport knapsack, put my black J. Crew one piece bathing suit under my green shorts and white cotton v-neck cover-up and went to the 'Great Lawn' in Central Park. Under a shady tree I took out my beach towel, book and iPhone and laid out there from 1:30 until about 5:00. Because of this I'm super tanned right now BTW. The irony is my legs are starting to look like runners legs, toned. And my tan to the mix and my body looks a-maz-ing. Shame no one gets to see it. At 5:05 my first hunger pain hit and I remembered a friend telling me about this local restaurant called the 'Sun Burnt Calf' specializing in Australian dishes. Iphone, Google, found it on 79^th and B’way. I walked in to find two young girls talking at one end of the bar together and three older men finishing up their beer. My iPhone kept giving me that "I'm dying" battery message so after ordering a glass of white wine I asked my very handsome, Asian mixed with dreamily, heavy Australian accent if there was a place I could charge my iPhone. He said with a smile: "There's a docking station upstairs. Follow me."

He showed me the docking station but not before asking my name. He then said while shaking my hand: "I'm Andrew". I inserted the phone, sat down and started drinking my wine.

There was a pool table right in front of me, so I figured while I was waiting for the thing to charge, I'll play. After putting four quarters in to "Release the Balls!” there I was sipping wine and playing poll by-my-self. It took me about twenty minutes to get all the balls in so with my game finished I took my phone and went downstairs. When I got there I noticed the few patrons that were in the bar left! Andrew saw me and said: "Hey there you are. You are officially our only customer." We both laughed as I resumed my seat at the bar.

We talked for a while. Yes, he's from Australia, yes, he has a girlfriend (all the good ones are taken) and they just got a puppy -- Boston Terrier. Did I mention how cute he is? Anyway, I was still hungry so I ordered not the kangaroo salad but the Shark meat with bacon rigatoni. It was so freaking good! By 6:30 I was full, buzzed, and ready to go home. A few more people came in; Andrew fixed them their drinks then came out from behind the bar to walk me to the door. He then thanked me for keeping him company and made me promise to come back soon. Oh...I will.

Too bad he's not available or I would have totally hit that. Who doesn't love a guy with an accent? If you’re on the upper west side do yourself a favor and stop in. Good food, good drinks, good looking bartenders who make you laugh and feel like a supermodel even after smelling like Central Park.

What more could a girl ask for?

And So Endth The Meetings.

2011-07-29T15:32:00.000-04:00

Friday. At work. Completely hung over. After three days of client meetings dinners and drinking Manhattan dry I left feeling dehydrated, nauseous and numbness in my left pinky.

To recap each nights event would make this post way to long. Besides, I think I only have two brain cells left which are currently being used to fight the nausea. My cute client was with me every step of the way. God he's hot. he's at least 6 feet tall, with dark features, eyes, hair. Very Mediterranean. Last night after dinner we all went to a bar (cause that's what people do after client dinners. No don't be good and go home...go out) and we talked for a while.

Here are his vitals:

He lives in Brooklyn ( I know. can you believe it? Does anyone live in the city anymore?)
He's been with the company for six years
Born in queens
Only child
Dad past away recently (six months)
Mom lives in queens
Went to St John’s University
Drives a jeep
Loves the city
And the best part...HAS A GIRLFRIEND! Who currently occupies his apartment, bed and life.

Awesome!

And still no word from 'C' so now if you'll excuse me I’m going to stop at Petco and adopt a few cats...

Client Love?

2011-07-27T23:41:00.001-04:00

I just got home and more than a little buzzed. I've had client meeting's since Tuesday with our brand, new client's. One of them is a totally hot guy that I...I need tp pretend I'm not attracted to him but I TOTALLY AM! His office is here in NYC and tomorrow is our last company meeting of which, afterwards we are going to some place for dinner. I can't stop staring at him. And there is no ring...

Too Darn Hot

2011-07-23T19:45:00.000-04:00

I have yet to leave my apartment. The temperature reading on my iPhone says 96 degrees. NYC is getting a "break" from this heatwave starting tomorrow. God I hope so because I have a 12-14 mile run tomorrow, then church, then a late brunch wiith 'S'.

Topless

2011-07-22T17:19:00.003-04:00

You know what I love? When I do my run I go up the track along the West Side Highway up to Central Park. Sometimes along the way I'll see a male shirtless runner. Now, I'm not trying to make anyone feel bad, but unless you're a Calvin Klein model put your shirt back on! Fortunately, I have seen a few Calvin Kleinsque male runners -- yum.

Baby Picture

2011-07-19T14:15:00.000-04:00

We're on the verge of a heat wave this week here in NYC which means the subway platforms will be unbearable. I'm taking a cab to and from work cause I just can't deal with the underworld of the MTA on days like this. Current temp 90 degrees and climbing. Yuck. It's even too hot to go to get lunch so everyday someone starts the "What are we ordering for lunch?" conversation at 11:30am. We have a kitchen area complete with long lunch table so when today's order of Mexican food came a few of us decided to sat at the lunch table instead of just returning back to our desk's.

Somehow the topic of baby pictures came up. One of my co-workers wanted everyone to bring in a baby picture to display on our kitchen area bulletin board. I was immediately filled with fear. I've seen my baby pictures recently when I was planning my wedding to 'G'. You know the whole your life in pictures leading up to the engagement photo. There I was, kinda funny lookin with a mini-fro. I shied away from saying anything or agreeing to bring in any baby pictures when my co-worker said to me: "Susan, you should definitely bring in some of your baby pictures."
I said: "No. I don't think so."
She said: "Why not? I bet you were a pretty baby."
I said: No. No, I wasn't."
Then she said: "Really? So when did you get pretty?"
Me: ?
I wasn't sure what she meant then I realized she thought I was pretty.

In general I'm not very good with taking compliments. They embarrass me. I say a quick 'thank you' then what to talk about something else. This compliment stuck with me a long time because I never thought of myself as pretty, I mean I've seen prettier girls on the subway, so every time I hear something like this I don't know how to react. 'G' use to tell me how beautiful I am all the time but part of me never felt comfortable hearing it. My Dad always called me his “beautiful little princess”, but that's what Dad’s say no? My Mom never really said anything about my looks except that looks fade and it’s what up here (pointing to her forehead) that counts. She was never big on "the outward appearance." which is why I don't know how to take a compliment. Some people fish for them, I shy away from them. What is the proper way to respond to a compliment?

Well, today's version of 'The Susan Show.' is throwing it out there that I still haven't heard from 'C', and that tonight I have a four mile hill training run schedule at 7:30. I better grow some cojones because I'm going to be sweating them off during training.

The New 'Me'

2011-07-18T13:38:00.001-04:00

'C' now lives in Williamsburg. He moved last week that's why there was the three day blackout period. He had no time to call me and move at the same time? Men simply can't multitask. He told me this when I met him on Friday. He then invited me to see his new neighborhood/apartment.

When I told him some other time I saw the disappointed look on his face. We stuck with our original plan of meeting up with friends later on that night, but he basically ignored me most of the night. Oh well. When I was ready to leave I told him good-bye and he just kissed me on the cheek and said "OK. See you later." No, walking me out. No, getting in the cab with me. No, kissing in the backseat. I haven't heard from him all week-end and I might not for a while, but to be honest I'm not sad about that. I know he wants to have sex with me. I'm. Not. Ready. Maybe by Wednesday this will bum me out but for now I'm fine with it.

I did a 12 mile run (two loops of Central Park) yesterday that nearly killed me. I couldn't run the whole thing because it was too hot, crowded and just tiring. By the time I got home I had no energy left for anything more than making dinner (angel hair pasta with pesto sauce) and reading ('Little Bee' by Chris Cleave) before crashing in bed.

This is my life now. I may not have anyone special to share it with and that’s OK. I promised myself in the beginning of the year to take care of me, after what seven months, this is me doing just that. Welcome to: The Susan Show.

TGIF

2011-07-15T16:58:00.002-04:00

The plan is to leaving work at exactly 5:00, go home and do a quick 3-4 mile run then meet ‘C’ at Tarallucci E Vino in my hood for a nice, light, quick dinner before meeting folks for drinks around…10:00pm tonight. It could get crazy. Stay tuned.

Feeling Good All Over

2011-07-14T12:23:00.000-04:00

I’m feeling extremely positive about everything today and I’ll admit it has been a very long time since I’ve felt this way.

One reason is it’s an absolutely gorgeous day here in New York with bright sunny skies, warm temperature and low humidity. It’s the kind of day that makes you want to call in sick grab a book, blanket, cool drink and go to the park…any park. Another reason is ‘C’ finally texted me yesterday after not hearing from him in three days. He usually calls, text me, IM me, or email me at least once a day, so when I didn’t hear from him I started to get worried I would never hear from him again.

Anyway, he texted me to meet him at The Frying Pan after work tonight with some co-workers ('S' will be there as well) and I’m so looking forward to seeing him. I miss seeing him. He has no idea how much he’s helping me get out of my shell/depression/dark hole. I’m very grateful for him and the many others currently in my life pulling me along. You know what? I’m sure the running helps as well don’t you think?

Wow, is that a light I see at the end of the tunnel?

Photo by Courtesy of The Frying Pan

Tour De Crash

2011-07-12T17:12:00.000-04:00

I am a jock-at-heart. If I had a choice of being someone else, I would choose to be a professional (possibly Olympic) athlete. I’ve been watching the Tour de France when I wake up in the morning. It’s the backdrop as I’m getting ready for work. It’s also on at 8:00pm so I DVR it and watch it in full length when I get home. I guess my new found fondness for endurance sports is what is really hooking me in. Here are some fun facts I’ve learnt about these athletes.

· The average resting heart rate for these cyclists is 40bpm – most people are at 60bpm, average distance runners 50bpm.

· The average cyclist burns between 7,000 and 8,000 calories a day…a day

· The average race speed is about 45mpg

I saw the stats on one cyclist and his read: 6’ 0” tall, 139 lbs. Mind blowing.

Meanwhile the crashes – Oh Mon Dieu!

Busy About Nothing

2011-07-11T16:57:00.000-04:00

Sorry I haven’t been able to post for the past few days. It’s not due to lack of desire but time. Since winning that new client business at work there’s been a lot of prep work to bring everything together regarding schedules, budgets and SOW (scope of work). I’ve had to work a couple late nights but nothing I’m not use to. This week-end I did manage to get a ten mile run in and let me tell ya – they still hurt. I mean I think my body is getting used to running for almost two hour (which is how long it takes me), but afterwards my legs are stiff and sore and so achy. Ouch!

I spent most of the day with ‘C’ on Saturday. We went to Central Park where I sacrificed three nails playing Frisbee. We re-grouped later on that same night for one of his friend’s birthday party. The party was fun. I made the most of it despite not knowing a lot of the people there. I think I made ‘C’ sexual gun-shy with me because in the cab ride home there was no making out. No kissing my neck, nothing. He didn’t even ask if I wanted to go to his place or mine. When the cab pulled up in front of my apartment building he gave me a soft, slow kiss then got out to open the car door for me. The whole thing made me a little sad. Yesterday I didn’t hear from him at all. Perhaps he’s just done. Done waiting, done wanting, done hoping, just done. One day at a time.

Clearly...I have ISSUES!

2011-07-05T22:33:00.002-04:00

I hope everyone had a great July 4^th long week-end. Mine started out crazy then settled into a nice calm leading into me returning to work trying to remember what it is I do for a living.

Friday the higher ups let us out at 3:00 which was perfect because it gave me just enough time to go home, shower and get ready to meet ‘C’ in Soho so we could take the train to Brooklyn. I wore my blue and white halter top cotton maxi dress with silver sandals and my large red and white tote bag filled with a large picnic blanket, two bottles of wine, two sandwiches, a large bag of kettle cooked jalapeno chips and two bars of dark chocolate. ‘C’ brought a six pack of beer in a collapsible cooler. We found his friends as well as a good spot on the lawn to hear 'Steel Pulse'. Everything was going well, we were all just eating and drinking and hanging out enjoying the concert. ‘C’ at one point put his head in my lap as I played with his hair. He looked so good in his long baggie shorts and green polo shirt.

After the concert we all went to ‘A’s apartment (one of ‘C’ friends) for what I thought was a bathroom pit stop before heading back into the city. Instead, there was more drinking and yes smoking those funny cigarettes. I didn’t (and never will) indulge but ‘C’ did. I really don’t care how people choose to escape. I have my methods as well. I was feeling pretty buzzed after a while and told ‘C’ I was tired and wanted to go home. It was probably a little after 12:00am and I felt all the wine I drank rushing through my system.

One minute we were in the back of a cab making out and the next we were in ‘C’s apartment, laying in his bed kissing. I felt his warm tongue move inside my mouth, down my neck and after he pulled down the strap of my dress, cover my breast. I closed my eyes trying to go with it as I felt his hand move under my dress. I pulled away from him a little as he moved his hand up my thigh and pulled the band of my underwear aside. He moved his fingers between my legs as I let out a low moan.

Then, like a flashback a war veteran would have or like something out of a movie, I saw not 'C's face hovered over me but that of 'The Neighbor'! 'The Neighbor' who I haven't seen or heard from in months! It was as if I was about to go mad. The mental breakdown before the little white jacket. I was so disturbed by this I pushed 'C's hand away and shot up in the bed knocking him over as if awakened from a horrible nightmare. What the hell?! 'C' was stunned by all this and kept asking: "What's wrong?" I told him I had to use the bathroom. Once there, alone, I washed my face in an effort to try to compose myself. Then I cupped some cold water from the tap to drink. I wasn't sure how long I was in the bathroom, it didn't seem like it was that long but when I finally emerged, 'C' had totally passed out. I called his name a couple times but no response so yup, I left. When I got home I passed out.

Next the morning my phone rang and it was 'C'. He asked where I was, when did I leave, why did I leave... I just apologized and he said we should reschedule. This is my life. So, Saturday I had brunch with 'M', went out dancing with co-workers (that was fun). Sunday it rained all day so I just stayed home, cleaned my apartment, read, watched some of the 'Twilght Zone' marathon. Monday, I went on a ten mile run that I'm still recovering from, then met 'C' for dinner. We kinda just laughed Friday night off and at the end of the evening he walked me home, we kissed goodnight and he took off. I'm just nervous that he'll soon get tired of me acting like a high schooler.

And 'The Neighbor'! WTF?!

Interesting Article from Yahoo.com

2011-06-30T18:19:00.001-04:00

Study: 4 in 5 Women Have Had "No-Strings" Sex

by PinkKisses.com, on Mon Jun 27, 2011 10:04am PDT

Here's the thing about sex: it's different for every woman. The way we think about it, talk about it, do it or choose not to do it is unique to pretty much every single one of us

Some girls are adamant about only having one partner their whole lives. Some of us see it as sacred, only to be shared within committed relationships, while others are more free and look at various partners as forms of sexual exploration or ways to get to know themselves. And, there are those of us who see it as just plain fun, no strings attached.

Sex is a complex thing. Every woman's view of sex is complex, too. That's why it's so important to recognize that your view of sex is uniquely yours & no one should ever try to tell you it's right or wrong (unless you're really hurting yourself or someone else). We certainly won't. Still, it's important for us learn from others when we can.

SELF magazine & the PopSugar Network just released a study of more than 2,000 single women ages 18 to 63, focusing on sex outside of relationships. A whopping 82% of the ladies who took the survey had at least one no-strings encounter (the researchers refuse to call it "casual" sex, saying there's nothing casual about it). We found a lot of it either reaffirming or totally opposite of what we expected... but, that's just us. Here's the breakdown:

We're not all girls gone wild. Even though a huge majority of us have had either a friend with benefits, a one night stand or sex with a casual date, it's not hookup central out there. 39% of the women asked have only had one or two casual partners, 24% have been with about five partners, and 18 percent said they'd never had sex outside a committed relationship.

Don't kid yourself. The survey found that the #1 reason given for having a fling was "to have fun." Sounds simple, right? Maybe not. While 51% said the goal was purely to have a good time, we need to keep in mind three things. First, this is only what people are willing to admit & sadly, we're not always honest with ourselves. Second, this is the goal of no-strings sex, not necessarily the reality. And third, the same group of women admitted that 37% of them have sex because they want to make an emotional connection. So, if you're going to have no-strings sex, make sure there really aren't going to be any strings for you. Be honest with yourself about what you want from it, because even if you think it's just for fun, you might still walk away with regrets or wishing the sex was something more.

Know your own limits. Are you feeling desperate for sex? Chances are, there's something else going on in your life you should be focusing on instead. If you're craving sex because you're rebounding, feeling unattractive, or just plain feeling lonely, it's not the best move. One of the participants said, "I once slept with a guy during a time when I was feeling generally lost. I felt awful afterward, which made me realize that I have to be feeling good about myself to really enjoy a hookup."

Conclusion: The most important thing to learn about sex isn't some really cool statistic, even though it can help start a conversation or teach us something about what we believe. It's knowing yourself well enough to understand exactly what you're comfortable with... and what you're not. There's nothing sexier than a girl who stands up for herself.

photo credit: ellen von unwerth

Going With The Flow

2011-06-28T13:29:00.000-04:00

My week-end was not as eventful as I'd hoped simply because I got my period Friday morning and had cramps until about three that afternoon when the 1200mg of ibuprofen kicked in. I didn't want to cancel my plans with 'C' because I really wanted to see him. We ended up having drinks then making out in the cab back to my place. Once the cab pulled up outside my apartment I told him he couldn't come upstairs because it was that time of the month. You should have seen his face, sheer disappointment. Then he smiled at me and said: “It’s OK. I’m getting used to taking cold showers.”

The rest of the week-end was spent in Westchester because I wanted to see my folks for my Mom's birthday. It was over dinner Saturday night that my sister told me (us) she's starting hormone treatment in preparation for getting IVF. I wasn't sure how to react but judging from the big smile on her face she was excited to start so I was happy for her. I really don't know much about IVF or the details of it but if it "takes" and helps my sister get pregnant, I'm all for it! My work week is pretty slow which is awesome since there is a holiday week-end coming up. Friday 'C's made plans for us to go to Brooklyn, Saturday 'S' and I are going to Long Beach, Sunday a co-worker’s BBQ and Monday I rest/run.

So Macy's might not have the only fireworks going off this week-end. If I play my cards right this could be the week-end I finally have sex! What’s it been like forever…OK six almost seven months? Poor ‘C’ is going to have to sweep away some cobwebs. I’m trying not to think about it too much and just go with the flow. Go with the flow.

Getting Out There

2011-06-24T14:34:00.000-04:00

I made a discovery yesterday that makes me feel better about myself and my future. As you all know I decided not to go out with friends ‘S’, ‘C’ nor co-workers for ‘Thirsty Thursdays’ but went home after getting a few books at Barnes & Noble to spend a night reading/relaxing/chillin’ out. Well, by 9:30 I was bored out of my mind. I went on a run, took a shower, put on my most comfortable PJ's, sat on the sofa and after reading about a chapter and a half I was completely bored. I realized that sitting at home, alone, does me no good. I have friends that want to spend time with me, hanging out with me, who want to be with me, why would I choose to sit on the sofa instead? Why? Because in the back of my mind, as crazy as this sounds, I half expect ‘G’ to come knocking on my door and take me back. I said it…crazy. That’s not gonna happen.

So, I have to get off my butt and get out there. How am I ever going to meet someone new and move on sitting on my sofa? While I like the company of “me” I like being with my friends more. I’m going to make a more conscience effort to go out more and not be such a recluse. Fasten your seat-belts everyone! Thank you-nothing-to-watch-on-TV-Summer for getting me off my butt! I'm going out with 'C' tonight.

BTW – I was passing by our little kitchen/lunchroom area here at work 20 minutes ago and overheard a conversation about cheating. Of course someone said: “Once a cheater always a cheater.” I actually use to agree with this statement until I became the cheater. Now seeing what it does, how is ruins lives, I believe some cheaters (like me) learn a very, very valuable lesson and will NEVER do it again.

Am I wrong?

Running Nowhere

2011-06-23T15:09:00.000-04:00

I had a hard time falling sleep last night so at 5:36am I got out of bed and decided to go for a run. After trying out a few different brands of running sneakers, Nike, Brooks, Asics, I like my Saucony 'Hurricane' the best. By 6:00am I strapped them on and hit the pavement. According to my GPS watch (yes, the one 'G' gave me) I ran seven miles. I knew it had to be a long one because the last mile felt 100 miles long. I can't complain, it was a great way to start the day. Of course, my legs are killing me now and I'm dying to sleep, but again I'm not complaining because I've lost five pounds.

When I looked at myself in the mirror this morning after my shower I was pleased with what I saw. Getting lean and toned. Shame no one else will see my body. I have no plans for tonight except to maybe go to Barnes & Noble, find a good book and read myself to sleep. I did get a text from 'C' asking what my w/e plans are...I have none besides of course running. I would like to see him.

Eyes not Legs Wide-Open

2011-06-20T17:25:00.000-04:00

'C' really went out of his way this past week-end to make sure I didn't have a spare moment to think about being depressed.

Friday night we went out drinking with 'S' and other co-workers. We kissed good night outside my apartment and I was tempted to ask him to come upstairs for a "nightcap", but I didn't because I was too nervous. I literally felt my heart in my throat the whole time he was kissing me.

Saturday, we went to the movies (saw The Hangover II) had dinner at Boom in Soho then believe it or not went to Brooklyn to a house party. I got home well after 3:00am.

Sunday was Father's day and the craziest day. I had to drag my hung over butt up to Westchester to see my Dad, then get back into the city to get a run in, then 'C' texted me that he wanted to meet again for dinner. Maybe exhaustion was setting in but the thought of leaving my apartment again was not at all appealing, so dinner turned into dinner back at my apartment. He is the first guy allowed inside my apartment. I made turkey burgers with potato chips on the side. He brought a six-pack of Stella and we watched the Yankee game. It was very low-key and mellow and comfortable and so nice.

After dinner, bored with pretending to watch the game, he kissed me. It started out innocent enough with me running my hands through his hair and down the front of his blue plaid cotton shirt, but then when his hand moved from my breast down to trying to unbutton my jeans, I pulled away. I told him it was too soon. He apologized then we kissed for a little while longer before he said he had to go home and take a cold shower. I apologized. He said: "It's fine.", then got up to place his empty beer bottle on the kitchen counter. It was then that I saw the bulge in his jeans. I felt like a stupid 16 yr old on prom night wanting to lose her virginity but afraid to.

What's wrong with me? Why am I making this a big deal? Why can't I just sleep with him? I like him. I want to sleep with him, but sex (to me) changes everything and I'm still too messed-up-in-the-head-thinking-about-G to open anything besides my eyes. I suck.

Finally Friday

2011-06-17T16:07:00.001-04:00

I’m going out with ‘C’ tonight. I haven’t done much of anything this week but work so being able to go out is a welcome change. Tuesday and Wednesday I was at work until 11:00pm doing research and finalizing some strategic plans for our new client – not fun.

I’ve been talking and or texting ‘C’ all week since I told him over the phone on Monday why I was “feeling blue”. He said he’s making it his goal this week-end to make me feel better. Tonight we start with drinks and dinner, but he refuses to tell me where. Maybe, maybe I’ll even have sex with him. But am I having sex with him because I want to or just to say to ‘G’…”See, I’ve moved on too.”

Oh, and my running is going well. I ran Tuesday, 4 miles, Wednesday, 6 miles, Thursday, 3 miles. Building momentum.

Backwards

2011-06-13T17:38:00.000-04:00

One step forward, two steps back. I was feeling so good about everything until…Saturday night when M&K came home from the wedding. We were talking about how it was when ‘M’ blurted out that ‘G’ was there with his new girlfriend.

Knife. Straight. To. The. Heart. Straight.

Based on the looked ‘K’ gave him I could tell that I wasn’t supposed to know that pieces of information – too late. I brushed it off like it wasn’t a big deal and at the time it wasn’t. When I got home, I put on my pajamas and cried myself to sleep. Yesterday I didn’t leave the apartment. It was ‘Dark Cloud’ all over again. I don’t know why but in the back of my mind I thought somehow, someway, ‘G’ and I would get back together. That news yesterday was the door closing on that possibility. I know now he’s moved on. This makes me sad resulting in my inability to get out of bed. I had both ‘C’ and ‘R’ texting me wanting to see me. My reply to both was the same: Not feeling well (which was true). Staying home to recover. While ‘R’ sent back a simply ‘OK – feel better’, ‘C’ asked if there was anything he could do or bring to make me feel better.

My text to him read like this: “No, unless you have some hemlock I can drink.”

His back: “?”

“I’m just not having a good day.”

“Do you need me to come over?”

“No. Just some time to heal some more.”

He must have figured out my mood had (maybe) something to do with ‘G’ (he knows the history). He wanted to come over right then. It was too late in the day; I hadn’t showered, or brushed my teeth or felt like company. Yet, after therapy tonight he’s coming over to see me…in…my…apartment.

Celebrate Brooklyn...Celebrate Kissing

2011-06-11T18:57:00.000-04:00

Here I sit in M&K's living room on my laptop while Angela takes a nap. I got here at 2:00 today hanging out with everyone before M&K left for the wedding they are attending. It's raining here so I took her to the local Barnes & Noble then we went to her favorite place, McDonald's. I'll wake her up around 7:00, have dinner, play, play, play, give her a quick bath, read her a bedtime story then put her to bed around 9:00pm. Her folks will be home around midnight. My plan is to watch a movie later on tonight. That's tonight, here's what happened last night.

I was still at work when 'C' called me yesterday. He wanted to know if I had any plans. At first I was thinking it was odd for him to call me kinda of out the blue; then I thought I should lie and say I did have plans but why lie. Turns out he wanted me to meet him and his friends in Park Slope for opening night of 'Celebrate Brooklyn' in Prospect park.

I left work at exactly 4:59pm, changed into jeans, blue t-shirt and a black Nike zip-up fleece jacket and met him at the B'way/Lafayette station were we would take the 'F' train together to Brooklyn. When I saw him at the station he looked so young (he's only one year younger than me) and tall and clean-cut and cute. I forgot how cute he was. We met his friends, the same guys from the Brooklyn Botanical Garden day, and we headed into the park. I did bring a large tote bag stuffed with a blanket, couple sandwiches and a bottle of wine. 'C' was pleasantly surprised. We found a spot on the grass and poured our wine as Andrew Bird took the stage.

It was a perfect night filled with all sorts of locals and non locals alike. 'C' and I shared my blanket leaning against each other at times talking (he told me where he's been -- I'll explain later) and listening to the music. Towards the end of the night when the buzz of the wine was filling me I decided to lie down on the blanket staring up at the sky. It was then that 'C', resting on his elbow leaned over me. I don't know what got over me, but I pushed my face up towards his and kissed him. Kissed him. I felt his face lean into mine and melted into his soft lips, his warm, rough tongue, his hand on my cheek. I enjoyed every moment of it. He is a better kisser than 'R'. 'R's kisses, I now realize, are a little too wet.

Anywho, we kissed on and off throughout the night. After the concert we went back to one of his friends apartment off the park for a bit then 'C' and I took off to head back into the city. The best part is he didn't ask to come home with me or me to go home with him, we just kissed for a long time goodnight outside my apartment building. I walked into my apartment smiling.

The funny thing is I got a text from both 'C' and 'R' today. Where is my life goin'?

When It Rains It Pours

2011-06-10T13:14:00.002-04:00

‘R’ called me to let me know he was coming home tomorrow afternoon so he wanted to get together tomorrow night. I told him I can’t because I’m babysitting little Angela which is true. Then he said: “I miss you.” Which I thought was odd since he’s only known me for what three weeks?! I need him to slow down because I do like him and spending time with him but I really, really, really really don’t want to rush into anything. And I’m starting to think maybe I will sleep with him.

And…file this under when it rains it pours ‘C’ emailed me yesterday. He said he’ll call me over the week-end. Hmmm.

Tuesday Night Dinner Plans

2011-06-07T17:00:00.001-04:00

I’ve spoken with ‘R’ every day (on the phone) since last Thursday. He tells me he likes talking to me….that he finds my voice and presences soothing. I’ve never been told that before. I’m meeting him tonight for dinner, yes on a Tuesday I know. He said he might have to leave town for a couple days on a freelance photo shoot assignment in North Carolina and he wants to see me before he leaves. It’s that sweet?

I’m so really starting to like him. I can so see myself falling for this guy. He seemed a little crazy at first but now I’m (how do I say) settling into him, his mannerisms, his quirkiness. And did I mention how gorgeous he is? I’m wearing my brown cotton mini skirt, black polo shirt and my brown Aldo wedge platforms. I’m nervous about the skirt because I think it might be too short and I’m nervous about the platform wedges because he’s not that tall – maybe 5’ 10”.

My therapist seems to think if I sleep with him it will purge ‘G’ out of my system which I admitted he was still a part of. I still think about him.

On a different front; I’ve mapped out my marathon training schedule and it look a little scary with three 20 mile training runs built in. The good news is I’m already seeing some results from just my weekly runs. My arms and legs are getting totally toned. You know this running thing can be very narcissistic.

Casual Sex?

2011-06-06T15:52:00.000-04:00

So, Friday night I met him for dinner in Billyburg (as the locals call it) at this totally yummy Peruvian place. When I got there ‘R’ was waiting for me outside. We almost matched with both of us wearing jeans and a blue top. His was a plaid shirt in shades of blue while mine was more in the linen v-neck sweater type variety. He wore his hair down which just hit his shoulders and every time he ran his fingers through his dark curls I melted.

During this date he didn’t talk about himself as much but instead was asking me questions like: where did you grow up and why are you still single? I was taken off guard with the second question and wasn’t sure if I should “tell my story” this early so I told him I just got out of a complicated relationship.

After dinner he wanted me to come back with him to his place. I told him absolutely not and we spent the next five minutes with him trying to convince me he wasn’t going to do anything. Next thing I know I’m in his apartment which barely had any furniture in it. A futon, TV, very large desk and lots of little tables with art books, photography book and prints piled high on each one. He poured me a glass of wine pinot noir he had and we sat on the futon. The drinking and talking we started soon led to kissing and petting. He’s a very good kisser. At one point he had his hand on my right breast and I started to unbutton his shirt but then I stopped myself. I pulled away from him because as much as I wanted to go further I also knew I shouldn’t. He didn’t freak out when I pulled away. He said he understood and didn’t want to rush me. We kissed a little more then he called me a cab so I could go home.

I like this guy, like spending time with him, he’s funny, interesting, totally gorgeous and a great kisser, but my head is just not there yet. I’m not ready to have sex with him yet. I mean I feel like it can and will happen just not right now. I just want to have fun. Sometimes I think sex complicates things. At least with me it does. Maybe I can just have sex with him and not make a federal case out of it thinking “He’s the one for me.” Am I capable of that? I don’t know.

Thank God for therapy tonight.

Williamsburg

2011-06-03T16:29:00.000-04:00

I'm meeting 'R' for dinner tonight in Williamsburg. I'm so excited. Stay tuned.

I Kiss A Boy!

2011-05-31T22:42:00.000-04:00

I met 'R' at exactly 12noon yesterday as he suggested. As I walked up to the south entrance of the park, he was already sitting on a bench staring out waiting for me in his jeans and this time black t-shirt. When I reached him he smiled at me and applauded my promptness. He then said he was hungry, asked if I was (which I was) then took my hand as we walked to S'nice on Sullivan street -- turns out he's a vegetarian. He ordered a sesame "chicken" tofu wrap with all this veggie stuff in it and I ordered the Thai salad. The colors of the salad matched my t-shirt dress I was wearing, green, orange and off white.

We sat inside and the minute my buttocks hit the seat he was asking what I thought of his work. I told him I liked it which I did except for a couple of the naked people shots that I didn't care for. Not because of the nudity but because it didn't connect with me and felt pointless. I could tell he never hear that criticism before by the look on his face as he bit into his sandwich. I almost felt bad saying it but then he thanked me for my honesty.

We talked mostly about his art, view on life, family -- he comes from a somewhat strict Indian family with Mom, Dad (both dentist) and two older sisters, both married with kids. Everyone, he tells me, is waiting for him to settle down and at age 39, he's not sure he wants to. RED FLAG NUMBER ONE!

I managed not to choke on the small peanut that was in my mouth from my salad and let him continue on. He admitted that he's a mama's boy and that she spoils him. RED FLAG NUMBER TWO AND THREE!

I was starting to think of ways to end this "date" immediately when he said he felt an instant connection with me from the moment he saw me. OK, that made me feel better. He then asked what was my favorite thing to do in the city. I told him I had too many to decide on just one. His was to sit on the steps of the New York Public Library and read, take pictures or watch the world go by and he said I had to tell him one of mine. I told him how much I loved being in Central Park; either walking around, running along the path or hanging out on a blanket in the Great Lawn. He then said "Let's go."

We took the subway up to the park spending the rest of the afternoon occupying our blades of grass on the lawn. It was simple and fun. At around 4:00 he said he had to meet some friend but want to see me again this week. We together took the subway to 14th Union Square where I got off the train while he transferred to the 'L'.

Just before we parted ways, just before I would turn to the exit sign leading me to the street level, just before he would walk towards his train; he wrapped one hand around to the small of my back, pulled me towards his body and very softly kissed me. It was a short enough kiss not to gross anyone out who might be freaked out by PDA, but long enough to make me feel how soft, wet and delicious his lips are.

I kissed a boy! Mark it down. I KISSED A BOY! We parted smiling at each other.

Last Night I Met A Boy

2011-05-29T15:37:00.002-04:00

I went to Brooklyn and found a boy.

One of my coworkers invited me to join her and some of her friends at an art opening in Williamsburg Brooklyn last night. I had been to Williamsburg only once before and I didn't really know the streets that well so I took a cab there. I didn't know what to expect in terms of the vibe, people, or art, but after drinking most of Friday night away with friends and spending most of the day with Mom and sis I was up for anything. I wore my celery green maxi halter dress, brown wedge platforms and carried my small brown tote.

As the taxi bounced through the streets of Brooklyn I realized how much I liked the neighborhood. When I walked in the gallery the first thing I noticed was a very large photo of Iggy Pop on the main wall and the bar in the back. My coworker was already there when I arrived so we got our drinks and started walking along the walls of photos on display. The gallery had two rooms filled with photos as well as a backyard garden filled with, another bar, people and wooden patio furniture. After about twenty minutes I saw him -- the most beautiful man I'd ever seen. He was the photographer. He's from India, stands about 6'2" with dark, curly shoulder lenght hair he wore in a low ponytail and beautiful dark skin that stood out against the white t-shirt, jeans and dark blue linen blazer he was wearing. I fell in love.

We were staring at each other for a while before he came over to talk to me. He noticed my wine glass was empty so when he came over he had two filled glasses in his hand. OMG! He looked like a beautiful tall, walking, talking chocolate bar -- yum! His name is 'R', he lives in Williamsburg and is a freelance photographer. We talked about his art, Brooklyn, his work, our friends, my job (yawn), food and Iggy Pop. I think I'm in love! There was this annoying little assistant of his who kept pulling him away to mingle but he kept mingling back to moi! I haven't felt this way about a boy since the night I first saw 'G'. It was getting late and well after midnight when the showing ended. His assistant and some other people were packing up as everyone was getting ready to leave. I was looking for my coworker to tell her I was ready to take a cab back into the city but couldn't find her. 'R' told me she left a while ago. I didn't even notice. I asked him if I would have any trouble finding a cab to take me back into the city; he assured me I wouldn't and walked me outside.

Just before I got in the cab he asked for my phone number. I gave it to him and he said he wanted to see me again, then asked what I was doing on Monday! He called me today to set our date tomorrow. We're meeting at Washington Square at noon and that's all he'll tell me. I'm so nervous. Can you believe this? I actually like someone. Someone who makes me feel nervous. I'm going for a run to work off some of this nervous energy. I like a boy!

Photo credit: connect.in.com

Holiday Week-end!!!!!

2011-05-27T15:46:00.002-04:00

I can’t wait to start the holiday week-end!!!!!! Leaving in five!!!!!! Partying until dawn!!!!!

Where Have I Been?

2011-05-25T16:06:00.000-04:00

No, not busy shopping, or hanging out with friends, or being romanced by my new boyfriend. The truth is I’ve been working my butt off. Last week it was announced in our company meeting that we won this huge piece of new business which translates to “I’m sorry, say good-bye to your life.” For the past few days I’ve been here until at least 10 o’clock at night and not alone. I haven’t had a change to do anything that’s not work related. My nails look like those of a construction worker, there’re tumbleweeds the size of coffee tables in my apartment, my stove has dust on it and best of all, and I’m running out of clean underwear.

Last Saturday and Sunday I worked, but thank God for this week-end…this glorious upcoming holiday week-end. I already have plans. Friday after work: going out drinking with co-workers [we deserve it]. Saturday: sister & Mom are coming down for the day to eat, shop and get mani/pedi’s. Saturday night: hanging out with ‘S’ and yes more drinking. Sunday: run and/or Yoga. Monday: run, sleep, clean my apartment. Tuesday: back to work.

I Want To Shop

2011-05-17T16:47:00.000-04:00

There’s nothing I would love to do more right now than to go shopping. It’s rainy with gusting winds, cool temperatures and grey skies and for some strange reason this kind of weather makes me want to shop. I went into Club Monaco the other day which was a huge mistake; not because I bought anything but because I’ve now created that mental list in my head of all the things I want to buy. All in all it was about $2,000 worth of merchandise – nice right. They had such cool skirts all in my favorite neutral tones of gray, tan, black or white. Argh! Why am I poor?

Speaking of being poor, I’m thinking of taking a break from my therapy sessions. I haven’t said anything to her yet but right now I would rather take that time and go for a run or to yoga than sit there and talk about my feelings. My feelings are fine for now. And while we’re on the topic of feelings, I haven’t heard from ‘C’. It’s like he dropped off the face of the earth – strange.

So M&K are having their annual holiday week-end before Memorial Day celebration out at Montauk this week-end. I don’t think I’m going to go because I simply spend way too much money when I go out there. They also told me ‘G’ won’t be in town making the coast “clear” in case I was worried about “running into him”. Truth be told I just would rather stay here in the city, hang out with the locals and maybe catch a movie. So…’G’ll be out of town…where, and with whom? Well, good for him. Life goes on.

My Missing Post

2011-05-13T13:15:00.000-04:00

this seems to be all that's left of my last post that just went missing. I'm annoyed. It was a good post. Maybe I give up blogspot and go to wordpress.

The Routine of an Ordinary Life

posted by Single and Happy at The Dating Fish Bowl - 1 day ago

I’ve settled into a nice routine in my daily life. - Sunday: Church and rest, maybe brunch with friends. - Monday: Therapy sometimes followed by yoga - Tuesday: Run - Wednesday: Yoga - Th...

WTF?

2011-05-13T12:58:00.000-04:00

I'm missing an entire post. WTF? I posted something Wednesday and it's GONE! WTF?

The Routine of an Ordinary Life

2011-05-11T16:24:00.000-04:00

I’ve settled into a nice routine in my daily life.

Sunday: Church and rest, maybe brunch with friends.
Monday: Therapy sometimes followed by yoga
Tuesday: Run
Wednesday: Yoga
Thursday: Run
Friday: Rest/hang out with friends
Saturday: Long training run

I have something planned everyday during the week to keep me active, fit and ready to run a fall marathon. I like this routine and while it might not be exciting -- it suits me and where I am right now. When I look back on my life with ‘G’ and how we would go out drinking almost every night… yah, this suits me better. I like working out. I’m a jock at heart. I just love the way I feel after I’ve had a good workout, not to mention what it does for my mind and body.

I haven’t heard from ‘C’ and that’s fine. He knows where to find me. Again, I’m not looking to get involved with anything remotely resembling a relationship. When I think about it, I’ve gone from one long term relationship into another since high school with no real break in between except for the time after I caught my fiancé in bed with another woman. That devastated me to where I was hospitalized for a mild breakdown. Then it took a year and a half for me to recover and another six months for me to even acknowledge the presence of men. Now, at this point in my life, post ‘G’ I want to take time not to only recover but to rediscover – me. I’m surprisingly content with where I am in life right now. I’m looking forward to a summer filled with hanging out with friends, going to the beach, going lots of reading, running, yoga and shifting the ‘life gear’ to cruise control.

BTW I’m addicted to the following shows:

The Voice
Gossip Girl (still so good)
Grey’s Anatomy (but kinda loosing me a little)
The Celebrity Apprentice

Mother's Day

2011-05-09T17:46:00.002-04:00

A belated “Happy Mother’s Day” to all the mother’s out there. I’d like to say my mother’s day week-end was without drama but it wasn’t.

First off ‘C’ canceled on me Friday. We were going to get together and do something low-key but he called and said he had to “take care of something” and would need to reschedule. I was a little disappointed because I wasn’t in the mood to sit at home alone so, I decided to go to the movies…by myself. I saw ‘Something Borrowed’. It was cute with your standard predictable storyline. I read the book so there were no surprises.

After going for a run Saturday morning I spent the afternoon with ‘K’. I went to their apartment; hung out for a while talking about my training plan for the marathon then ‘K’ and I went to get manicures – Essie ‘hi-maintenance’. I told her about ‘C’ and how he had to reschedule our date. After our manicures I took the subway to Grand Central where I caught the train to Mamaroneck.

Saturday night we all hung out and had dinner then Sunday was church, brunch and a walk in town enjoying the beautiful weather. The drama was my sister being depressed because she wants to be a mother and it just hasn’t happened yet. And the worst part is that there was nothing anyone can say or do to make her feel better. She just wanted the day to be over as quickly as possible. It was painful to watch her pretend to be fine when you can see the disappointment and depression on her face. God, please let her get pregnant soon.

I’m in a good place now. I’m feeling better about myself and my future – more optimist that I will find love again and not fu*k it up. I’m still seeing my therapist but I feel maybe soon I won’t need to go, maybe

Good Times

2011-05-06T10:43:00.000-04:00

As you all know I went out last night with a bunch of people for Cinco de Mayo. We didn’t stay out too late or drink too much. ‘C’ and I were the only people able to leave work around 5:00 so we met up first just the two of us at Rosa Mexicano. We ended up meeting everyone around 6:30 at Benny’s Burritos which was a mod scene. It was fun just hanging out, laughing talking drinking with friends. ‘S’ and I left around 11:00pm to walk home but before we did ‘C’ gave me a hug. That felt good.

I guess it was the rational conclusion considering throughout the night we were literally hanging on to each other. An arm tossed over the shoulder here, a hand touching a wrist there, a head resting on the shoulder here… It felt good having him there. Wait..who said that? Where is that coming from? Even though I like spending time with him I know I’m not ready to be intimate with him. I will admit that I daydream sometimes about kissing him, making love with him but I know I’m not ready.

My body is physically ready and will react in the way of saying ‘yes’ but my mind is still in ‘G’ mode meaning I can only still see myself being with him sexually. I mean I don’t want to be in the act of having sex with someone with a pen and paper in my hand going down a checklist of all the things that are different….awkward. I’m seeing him again tonight but I’m not sure what we’re doing. I’m doing to suggest we do something laid back like a movie. This is good – us hanging out. I’m not sure if I mention that he himself is getting over a relationship that ended in January after three years. She wanted to see other people. Kinda makes me wonder why?

Cinco de Mayo

2011-05-05T10:09:00.000-04:00

We're all going out for Cinco de Mayo afterwork today. Me, 'S', 'C' and a bunch of co-workers from both offices. Things might get crazy!

Comparison Chart

2011-05-04T18:10:00.001-04:00

‘C’ texted me today requesting I set aside Friday for us to get together. He said he’s still not calling it "a date" and neither am I – wink-wink.

He wanted to get together Saturday, but I’m going up to see my folks this week-end for Mother’s Day. My plan is to leave Saturday morning. I find myself thinking about him more and more each day.

Thoughts of ‘G’ have been replaced with thoughts of ‘C’ and I realize how different they are. When you look at the difference it makes me wonder how I could go from a guy like ‘G’ to maybe someone like ‘C’. Then I remember that ‘G’ always called me his reality check. When he took things too seriously or got too bogged down with work, I was the one to make him take a step back, to lighten up, to provide that comfortable home base. And he always told me how beautiful I am. He made me feel like I was the only woman in the world. He made me feel loved and protected, with 'C' for now we're friends but maybe...slowly...who knows.

G	C

The Economist	‘How’ Magazine
Plays soccer	Plays baseball
Shops at Barney's or Reiss	Shops at J. Crew or GAP
Buzz-cut	Full head of dark hair
Light blue eyes	Brown eyes
Fair-skinned	Dark skin
Drives a Range Rover	Takes the subway everywhere
Drinks fine wine or Scotch	Drinks beer or tequila
Techno music	Jazz with some alternative music
Loves to go dancing	Loves to go to art museums
Owns a Rolex and a Tag watch	Owns a Timex and a Swatch (vintage he tells me)
Owns a 3,000 sq ft loft in Tribeca	Rents a 900sq ft studio in SoHo (again he told me this -- not seen)
Speaks 4 languages	Fluent in Pig Latin
Workaholic/Overachiever	Laid-back/Takes one day at a time
Killer smile	Killer laugh
Generous	A bit frugal
Financially stable	Creative so not so stable
A-MAZE-ING!!!!! in bed	Don't know yet

In His Shirt

2011-05-02T21:09:00.000-04:00

Now that I know I'll run in this year's NYC Marathon my focus is being ready. I have a subscription to Runner's World magazine. Saturday, I went to Jack Rabbit and purchased running gear (3 pairs of running shorts, 4 running tops, 4 running bras) including a new pair of sneakers. Then I went on an eight mile run that actually felt good.

Yesterday, I met 'C' and some of his friends in Brooklyn at the Brooklyn Botanic Garden to check out the last day of the Cherry Blossom Festival. I didn't check the weather before meeting 'C', but it was sunny so I decided to just put on a white t-shirt, jeans and my silver Tory Burch flats. The plan was to meet at the front entrance, but it was so crowded when I got there I couldn't find him. I had to call him and have him navigate me through the crowd to find him. When I did find him he was with his friends -- two girls and a guy all who live in Park Slope, Brooklyn. As I walked up to him I was surprised by the butterflies I felt in my stomach and how somewhat suddenly attracted I was to him. Well, off we went. Even though it was really crowded I did manage to get some pictures with my iPhone.

After an hour and a half, we were all hungry so the "slopers" led the way to 5th Avenue where everyone wanted to sit outside at a french cafe called

A.O.C. Bistro. At this point in the afternoon it was almost 4:00 and the weather changed. It was overcast and slightly windy. I was cold -- like almost teeth chattering cold. 'C' saw the goose bumps on my arm when I crossed them across my chest and offered me his shirt. He was wearing a gray long sleeve t-shirt under a dark green henley. Clearly he knew the weather would change so, just as our drinks arrived he took off his shirt and handed it to me. When I pulled it on it was still warm from his body heat and full of his scent.

There was something very sensual about wearing his shirt. I would occasionally pull the sleeves over my hands then put them under my nose taking in a big whiff. This made me wonder what he'd be like in bed. Where did that come from?

After eating the "slopers" walked home and we walked to the subway. Back in the city, still in his shirt he walked me to the front of my building where I slowly took his shirt off and gave it back to him. He took it and we just stared at each other for a while before he said if I wanted to do something this week. I said: "Sure." He said he would call me, said good-bye then turned and walked back to the subway. As I watched him walk away I wanted him to come back and kiss me. Yes, kiss me. Again, where is this coming from?!

The Royal Wedding!

2011-04-29T13:13:00.001-04:00

I'm sooo happy for William and Katherine. I woke up at 3:59am this morning called my Mom and we watch every blissful moment while on the phone (or should I say telly). Kate looked so amazing beautiful. I LOVE her dress. And William looked just as handsome as ever. I enjoyed every moment of it. Of course let's see how long I last today due to this early wake-up call. Ah love, I still believe in you!

Photo credit: Yahoo.com: Matt Dunham/AP

I Was In A Panic

2011-04-28T18:23:00.000-04:00

When I found out I was selected to run in the NYC Marathon this year as you know I was very excited. Then I got the email that had the credit card number that will be charged the almost $200 entry fee. Then I realized it was ‘G’s credit card that we put in to charge if we ever got in. I was in a panic. Should I call him and tell him? Will he dispute the charges? Will he call me?! So after some thought and a Zanax, I decided to just write him a check for the amount and mail it to his house. Smart right?

Unreal

2011-04-27T17:42:00.000-04:00

You are not going to believe this but I got in to run this year’s NYC Marathon!!! Remember last year when ‘G’ and I put our name in to be selected via the lottery? Well, the selection was today and I got in. Can you believe it? My “Congratulations” email was sent at 2:45 today. I can’t believe it and I’m freaking out. The longest run I’ve done is 12 miles (two loops around Central Park and that hurt bad). How am I going to handle 26.2? I’m freaking out. Don’t get me wrong I want to do this. I’m excited to try to do this; I’m just scared something will get permanently damaged in the process like my hips, knees, ankles, or rationally thinking. Geez, I guess I have to start putting a training program together – help!

Photo: NYRR website -- Opening Day

Summer Is Here!

2011-04-26T17:40:00.000-04:00

Today for the first time since last September I wore my flip flops to work. It’s 80 degrees here in NYC today. I think it’s too warm too quick. My Easter week-end was fun because I love hanging out with my family and now with the new puppy…I’m in love. Why are puppies so cute? All he wanted to do was play all day long. He doesn’t walk he bounces.

I have a very uneventful week planned:

Work

Run

Yoga